So we have a rape crisis center in my city and I decided to see if there was anything they could offer to a parent of a sexually abused child and they did. I met with a counselor just one time and already I feel better. My therapy (after disclosure) for myself was to write letters to the monster who hurt my little girl. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I wrote of my anger, and there was so much of that, and I wrote what I would do to him, given the chance. For a few weeks, that's what I did every day, write letters to that (what I call him) waste of oxygen, sometimes three letters a day, I was so angry. That was so therapeutic for me. I even told my daughter to do it if that's what made her feel better. That wasn't the therapy for her but writing has always been my thing. Anyway...I've been eating up my guilt, or rather, letting it eat me up inside, angry with myself for whatever reason...angry with God for every reason, just so angry and disappointed and guilty, I felt SO guilty! I think I might always feel a little guilty but the point is that I feel a LOT less guilty now. I was so focused on getting the anger out that I lost myself in that anger and forgot about all the good things there still are. I still have my daughter in good health and family and so many blessings, I just lost sight of that. My counselor at the crisis center suggested something that never even occurred to me, even with all those letters I wrote and destroyed....I needed to sit down and write a letter to the one person who's forgiveness I was seeking and that is my daughter. I know, deep in my heart of hearts, that I did nothing wrong, I KNOW this and I can rationalize it in my own head and heart but there is still something there (and I wouldn't be surprised if every parent feels this) that makes me feel guilty, guilty that I didn't know what was going on in my own house, guilty that I could do nothing to stop it, just pure guilt. I'm obviously not going to let her read it anytime soon, she's only 10 and doesn't quite understand a parent's guilt but maybe when she's 18 or so. I honestly thought that writing that letter would open up a floodgate and I'd end up writing a novel but it didn't. I kept it very simple, heartfelt and only about that issue. I didn't let any other issues wind their way in and I think that's why it worked for me. Guilt for other issues is a completely separate thing. This may not work for everyone but it certainly helped me and opened my eyes to the fact that I still have my daughter and several other blessings in my life. Thanks for reading.
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