I think a lot. With chronic illnesses, there are times that I have to lie down in bed for hours at a time and my mind just keeps going.
I asked myself "did I have children?" It feels sometimes like an out of body experience, questioning if I have experienced motherhood.
I am not crazy, nor a dementia sufferer, but the bad treatment of my adult children, the love shown to other mothers through their own children, the always painful "Mother's Day" rhetoric of how wonderful and how much children love their mothers, makes me questioned my own motherhood. Did I experienced it, or is it a figment of my imagination?
I honored my mother in ways that she expected it and wanted. Lovely flowers, dinners and luncheons, hugs, visits, shopping, bring her and my Dad on many vacation trips so they could enjoy the grandkids. I don't even receive a card, barely a phone call or an email, if they remember. Sometimes, like last year, on Mother's Day, I got reprimanded for "pretending" to be sick and not able to jump on a plane for a visit. I got yelled at, insulted and verbally abused. My self preservation act is to remove myself from the situation. After 21 years of this, I have to look out for my health. I have a capricious heart who decides when and where it wants to give me an Angina Attack. I have Nitro pills all over my house just in case. And that's my life.
So again I ask myself, did I have babies? Yes I did. I loved them and I love them now.
Do I remember those wonderful times together? Sadly no, the bad times are erasing the good ones quickly and effectively. And so, life does go on. And so they say.
I had decided during the Christmas holidays that I needed to do something about working on my codependency. Exactly what that would be, I can't figure out. I attempted to go to a meeting in January. I had a difficult time finding the place. Then I had a difficult time finding the right room where the meeting was happening. By then, the meeting was already underway and I wasn't about to...
Is there anyone who has a lower income compared to their spouse? I have earnt less from my husband for a number of years because of illness I work part time, I try to get by each month by the income that I earn. However my husband has very different views on money and also that he feels I should be able to get by on the money I earn when for me I find it a struggle. I worry about money and I...