Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of tweens (9 to 11 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.

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selfish, disrespectful 12 year old

We were supposed to go out on a family day to be together for a dinner and movie. My 12 year old was adamant that he was not going. I told him how it meant alot to me and I was hurt that he did not care about my feelings, since i do alot of nice things for him to make him happy. I told him that I could not force him to come of course but that because he was being selfish and disrespectful and ruining 4 other peoples days he was going to lose his electronics for a week. I gave him 5 mins to think it over. During that time though, my husband went up and grabbed him by the shirt and wanted to force him. There were tears as I interrrupted this and then my husband just left with the others.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I don't understand why you would tell him you can't force him to go? You are the parent.

In our home there would have been no discussion. Get dressed, let's go, no back talk. When you move out and pay your own way, you can make decisions for yourself. Until then, we as parents set the rules, responsibilities and family obligations.

Appealing to his feelings for you and expecting him to feel sorry for you because your hurt and he is ruining other peoples good time gave him exactly what he wanted, attention and the power to hurt you. Not good for either party.

A family is a family and as you yourself said, we all do for each other.
deleted_user
deleted_user

How then do you get 120lb boy who weighs more than me and is the same height as me to go then when he is adamant not to? I gave him the choice of losing the electronics for the week as the consequence for ruining everyones day. and I made him read a book about being selfish.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I didn't mean to offend you.:(

My son will be 6'4" at the very least. I want him to know that no mater how big he gets I am his mother and respect is non negotiable. I show him respect and expect it in return.

He has known the rules from day one. I have been consistent in his behavior. So, I guess I would be in shock if he suddenly rebelled and decided to buck up against me. Then again, the minute he did he would have to deal with his Step dad who is raising him with me. Maybe I am a mean momma...I have always been fair but strict I guess.

I will stop giving advice here I seem to the odd man out when it come to kids behavior...

Best of luck to you:)
deleted_user
deleted_user

No,no I am not offended. I came on here for advice. I really would like to know what a parent should do in this situation if the teen is defying the "get dressed, let's go, no back talk." I tried those words and it didn't work. I even threatened the consequence of taking the electronics away for the week..which I did. What else can you do in the moment. should i have taken more privledges away until he got his butt in the car?
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think what kids and sometimes parents forget is that parents quite literally control every aspect of a minors world.

Maybe at the time (however your husband tried) you couldn't do anything but there is something you can do to make sure it never happens again.

I am quite sure he has things he wants and expects you to do for him... As you said you do many thing to make him happy...I would think taking him places and such...If I were in this situation...next time he needed you to do for him I would would show him how it feels for someone to simply say NO. You don't care about doing things I would like you to do, so I think there will be a long time of me not doing for you. He needs to know why it is happening.

He has to be a learn to be a team player.
This is not just about you and your family. Later in life if he is not taught differently now he will suffer. Bosses don't go for the ..Not doing it attitude. You will be doing him a favor by teaching him now. Even if you feel bad about him not getting to do something and he resents you for a time because of it. He will get over it and be better for it.



I would have grounded him in his room no electricity for a month. You want to be alone..so be it. Then after that, at least for a month he would not have the convenience of anything I usually do...his taxi, ATM, provider of all things good would be on vacation.

12 is an age they will push and try to see what they can get away with. They don't feel like kids anymore. They are as big as us and feel equal, their not! You have to be tough. Loving a rebellious child is hard. It's hurts us to show tough love, but if we don't, we aren't doing right by them.

This, no mater what you choose to do, will not be easy on either of you. Go too easy, he will learn nothing and you will have it harder in the future...
Go hard and he will definitely be mad at you and this will hurt your feelings.

Honestly it's too late to punish him any more than you already have. However you could take his "mom can you" privileges away still and let him know why.

hugssssssssss
deleted_user
deleted_user

I so know how you feel on this one. My son is 12 and there are times when I want to do something that he just doesn`t want. when I force him to do what I want he just makes the whole time miserable for us all. I have found something that works though for me. He likes to hang with his friends, go skateboarding at the skatepark, and go rollerskating. So if he throws a fit about going to do what I want to do and refuses, I say fine you won`t do this then forget about this this and this for the next however many weeks. Usually and lately that has been enough for him not to throw his fits anymore.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Mine is 101/2 & sometimes we hv some serious power struggles..it's not easy..sometimes i hv 2 bk dwn a lil' in order 2 get results, seems like the stricter i get ...the more she rebels, i guess is her way of trying my limits..& letting me know..well..i will push u till u break, they know what bothers us..hello...?! they r with us everyday, lol...they know our weaknesses n' our strengths. Prayer, prayer, prayer..is the ONly thing that works 4 me..there is no magic word nor magic consequence, when it gets 2 hard ..i seek help through prayer..i can't do this alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I do agree it is vitally important for parents to establish their authority over their children. This is especially important during the tween years. I too have a 15 year old who is taller than me and a 12 year old as tall as me. However, I'm mom and that is well established. When we're going on a family outing it is expected all family be in attendance...no exceptions. I completely understand and agree that your son needed consequences for his very ugly attitude. Good for you to be swift with address that issue. Better for you when your tween is parentally brought the realization mom is mom, dad is dad and some things are non-negotiable.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have had similar experiences with my 12yr old and try to be the parent who tells him and not ask him, he will just cause an argument with me or his brother, now his brother is sometimes like.
Its partly my own fault as i never followed through discpline until i met my bf.
Have you found a way round this, would love your ideas.
I end up shouting and sometimes wanting to go mad, i usually shout until i break down but what a baby way to be a parent!!!! HELP!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I'm so glad others are going through the same. My son is eleven and his emotions are all over the place. I find it's a fine balance between discipline and letting him experience new freedoms.

I think when children do something they know is wrong, and they always will, it's important for there to be some repercussions. Not that I do this all the time. Gosh, sometimes I'm so tired I can barely get the laundry done, let alone keep ahead of a sharp eleven-year old brain.

I think you did good.

Hugs. I know I could sure use them sometimes!
Thriver
Thriver

My nearly 11 year old has these moments. When I let it turn into a power struggle those are the times I regret. It works best for me to take a step back and ask him why he is being so oppositional (I do try to think of a better word, escapes me right now). I ask if something is the matter. I tell him he is not normally disagreeable and that I am wondering why he is acting this way right now.
Usually he says nothing is wrong, then, he does not know, he starts to want to cry, and later he finally says that he was angry about something else, not at me, and that he is sorry. Then we talk about what was really bothering him. Sometimes something has happened that I don't know about, sometimes I have said something that hurt him and I am unaware.
It can be difficult to do this when you have a time constraint, such as a load of family in the car waiting to eat :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sometimes my 12 yr old daughter doesen't always want to do things with the family especially her brother. I you and your husband and the rest of the family should have gone anyway. If it was me I would have left him there and gone anyway. I know now days no one leaves a child home alone. Well, I trust my kids to stay alone to learn to be independent like I was. Taking the electronics away was good. Your husband grapping him wasn't a great idea and force your son to go with you for you family outting. I get my feelings hurt all the time and I tell them so after a while they both come in and apologize because they knew that weren't nice to me or my mom.