
Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of tweens (9 to 11 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
Lying--what do I do to stop it!?

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My 10 yr old has been caught several times lying. Some bad, some not-so-bad but still the point. I have tried to explain it is unacceptable and consequences are much worse when I find out it's a lie rather than her just telling the truth. Tonight, she stole her sisters MP3 player because she was looking for hers and could not find it. She was told she had to find it so her thought was to take her sisters (they are identical-dumb move Santa!) and then tell me she found it. Nothing too serious has been lied about in the past, but it's enough I don't trust her and as she gets older, what do I allow her to do with no trust? Is this a stage?
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During this phase, she wanted to sleep over at her cousins'. I told her that since she kept telling lies, I didn't believe that she wanted to so I wasn't going to let her go. That seemed to help.
I also have drilled into their heads that honesty gets a HUG and smaller consequence. LYING gets DOUBLE consequence. My son had to get grounded a few times, but is better now and tells me the truth even if it is really bad, I am calm and hug him and thank him for telling the truth and I brag to him about it for weeks. POSITIVE reinforcement. As a result my kids always (mostly) tell me something before I find out on my own.They also know from time to time I will check up on them. This keeps them on their toes ;)
This worked fine until last yr. Little things like you are all talking about, saying he will or has done something he did't do (chores/homework). We lightly punished him, but I agree now you need to make a HUGE punishment to let them know in their minds this is a HUGE mistake to make. I talked to him endlessly about "the boy and the wolf" trying to explain if you lie people wont believe you when you need them to.
Several times he found himself in sitiuations where I had a choice to believe him or not. I always believed him because he NEVER lied. I always took the opportunity to reinforce the boy and the wolf story and let him know these were the times he needed me to trust him and I did because he didn't lie.
Well, just this week there was an incident with a teacher. Colby came home all upset with one story, called the principle, she talked to the teacher who said he has NO idea what so ever what Colby was talking about, nothing Colby described happened. Not just a confusion in stories, it just didn't happen! Now, he has never lied more than little chore/homework issues, so making up complete stories I do not think he did. It wasn't even a situation where he had done anything wrong to protect himself for, the teacher basically humiliated him in front of the class with negative talk about how poorly he did on an assignment, which emberased him.
I told him what the teacher said, he couldn't believe it. Was ready to hear how I stood up and defended him and was suprised I didn't. I explained that since he started lieing I could not be certain he was telling the truth. If he wasn't telling the truth he could be getting a good teach in alot of trouble. I explained the wolf story and explained now this is what happens when you need me to trust you and I don't. He was SO upset, I believe him and I am sure he feels victimized and frustrated because this teacher is getting away with no repricution because I can't believe him.
He asked what it would take to be trusted again. I told him he would have to earn my trust back over time by not lieing at all like he had for so many years before, and it was possible to get there again. I also explained next lie he gets caught in big/little there would be severe punishment as this lying is going to STOP!
I think all kids go threw lying as a part of growing up, what is important is what they are taught/allowed to do when they lie. My stepson lives with his mom who tolerates his lies, he told me he lied, but it was OK because if his mom found out she never does anything. So, she taught him lieing is OK. He is 22 yrs old now and I am praying as an adult he has figured out it is not ok!
Good luck, be strong, this too shall pass and I am sure you will have taught it is not ok to lie when all is threw.