Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of tweens (9 to 11 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
This is really difficult to try and condense so much without posting a long discussion, But I will try and condense it and keep it short..My 11 year old is from my second marriage, her father was a violent man and during the first three years of her life we spent many times in and out of womens shelters along with my two other children from my first marriage. enough was enough so I raised them on my own single parent.. I have been the main influence in my daughters life, her father has had little to do with her over the years.. My daughters behaviour I would think is not unlike most children her age. She has a very caring and loving nature, loves animals , she is social and has lots of friends, loves to get in and help me out with the chores and there are times I have to ask her to do chores and times when she just wants to do things for me with out being asked.. She tells lies, backchats, argues with me argues with her older sister, trys to excert authority over her older siblings and niece and nephew as well as tease,boss and torment them much to their disspleasure (niece and nephew-my two grandchildren in my permanent care), expresses her oppinions whether its asked for or not, always seeking attention. She can be abnoxious at times, And sometimes she is 11 going on 18.. I deal with her behaviour how I see fit at the time.. I have been engaged for 18 months now, and my fiance points out to me that a lot of her behaviour is not normal.. Lots of little things she does seems to irritate him imensely, such as if we are sitting at the table and she picks something up and fidgits with it, twirls and twigles it around, just little fidgity stuff, after a few minutes of this annoyance he snatches it out of her hands untill she finds something else to fiddle with.. another thing that annoys him is that she acts or trys to act way beyond her years. another is she lies to much. I think what he really hates is that she will say what she thinks and expresses her oppinions. for example one evening when we stayed over at his house, she had gone to bed, and he thought she had been sleeping so he starts this discussion about her(as much as I tried to disuade him from going over this topic again) and she came out of the bedroom and said to him "If you have a problem with me, talk to me about it, dont talk about me" . I know he doesnt like that one bit.. I believe she has every right to say and speak her mind, thats how Ive brought my children up... there are a lot of other issues he brings up about her but gee I it will be a big post if I wrote all that down, what I should do is get him to email me all the things listing all the things that he believes need attention and then put it in a post and see what you think.. I really believe He needs to make some effort and do some searching on childrens behaviour and work from there.. other wise it is going to be an awfully long long engagement, maybe indeffinate.. Is she typical or non typical 11 year old..
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
As for the fidgetting with things, all kids do that. My kids (I have a 16 and 8 year olds as well) will find something to fidget with, and they will continue to do it as long as no one says anything. The dinner table is the place where they feel a need to do that, especially if they don't like the dinner.
As for the trying to act older than they are, this is one of the characteristics of "'tweens" because they feel so out of place - they're not little kids anymore, but they're not teenagers yet. And last, but not least, is the backtalk. If you have raised her to speak her mind, she is going to do that at any time she feels that she is being "attacked", such as when you're telling her that her behavious is not correct, or when she hears someone talking about her. You need to teach her boundaries for speaking her mind. My 8 year old is really good for arguing with me any time I talk to him about his behaviour. He will defend himself vigorously. I have learned that I have to teach him boundaries for talking back, and also for speaking his mind. There are places and times that it is correct, and there are other times that he needs to learn he can't do it.
To end the book I have started, the behaviours that you list here are perfectly common in children. Those are the things that you, as the parent, need to address, and to teach her that it is not always proper. You need to teach her that lying will only get her in trouble. You also need to teach her when to speak her mind, and that she can't be bossing people around. If you use progressive discipline, and a system of taking away priviledges, I think you can get it done, but you have to tell her what the consequences for her actions are, and then follow through with the consequences.
I am curious as to whether your fiance has children, and what is it that makes him think that your daughter's behaviour is so our of the ordinary.
I dont think, in my oppinion that the behavior is 'abnormal', considering all the variables. I do however think that some of her behavior needs adressed. Much of what u described sounds like my 12 year old son. I have found that he is acting out by being aggrivating and excessively obnoxious has alot to do with my husbands (step dad) but has raised him from age one. But when his dad is non attentive, and he has a bad way of 'putting the kids down' - that is his way of teasing, but he says mean kind of things until Jake really gets upset and then he belittles him by saying "awwww poor baby etc. etc. this has gone on for sometime, and I have seen Jakes behavior get worse and worse, His step brother and blood sister are also really belittling to him. So we have kind of a chain reaction. So it has developed first some behavior because he was my baby, and I did let him by with some things, the rest of the family responded by being mean to Jake now Jake is really a little out of hand. There is a major difference when my husband gives him really quality attention and doesnt talk down to him. He turns into an angel. So in my oppinion, your fiance is probably just bringing out even more problems by talking about her like she is 'abnormal' and a 'problem child'. What can that be doing to her self esteem. Maybe her asking if she could call him dad was her way of finding out if he really did care about her deep down? Kids arent known to show parents that they love them by being perfect, so if he is going to base her love on if she is perfect then he will never think she loves him. I think it would help if he would look into some typical children and then number one he needs to find it in himself to really care for your daughter or he can never help you discipline and direct her. If she doesnt feel love from him she will alway rebel against him.
One last thing, my husband started in this family when my daughter was 4 years old. For some reason, he has always thought she was being sly, or up to something, or not as good of a girl as she seemed. It wasnt until the last 2 months or so that he finally accepted that she is just a fantastic kid and she isnt sneaking and lying. We had problems and still do with his two kids being somewhat 'sneaky' and not quit honest, I think he wanted to find fault in mine so it wasnt just his kids that looked bad. I think I finally got it thru his head that we didnt raise his two that is why they act this way, so therefore it is not his fault. We have had them for 3 years now and they are so totally different children. It is awesome. I hope I helped, I know I did a little venting of my own.