Wow! Where do I start? I am a stay at home mom with a 1 year old boy, too...he really is a good kid...mellow, laid back, sleeps 11-13 hours a night, plays on his own, etc. Going from working full time to a stay at home mom is a BIG change! Your wife is probably still adjusting! We planned on having 3 kids too until we realized how much work they are...now we're thinking 2 or maybe even possibly just being happy with the son we have...Your mom sounds like a champ, but not every woman is the same! It's not fair to compare your wife to your mom...I know that I have different stress levels than a lot of other stay at home moms and I know that I could never handle situations like 2 kids under the age of 2 or 4 kids like many other moms can...and I have realized and accepted that...not raising a finger to help your wife will not help the situation at all...it will make her resent you and resent even considering having more children...if she doesn't think you are supporting/helping her, then why would she want more? And to use terms like JUST ONE kid or a WALK IN THE PARK is probably insulting to her...ONE kid is a lot! As a husband/dad working 6 days a week, you really don't know what it's like...you have adult interaction everyday! And sometimes, that's all we stay at home moms need...even if it's only for 30 minutes! Does she get out to socialize, exercise, run errands by herself? Maybe that would help...please don't take any of this personally...I'm just giving you some input like you requested! ;)

I agree with "scottfamily" -- going from working full-time to a stay-at-home is a really big change. And it will take time. I think you need to pitch in when you can... to give her a little break so that she is not so resentful. You're working 6 days a week but she's working 7 days a week.
And I agree, she needs some adult conversation and also some time for herself. At least once a week, she should get a sitter and find time for something she enjoys (excercising, facial, manicure and/or just quiet time).

I also recommend that she find some type of mommy & me class. I couldn't survive without my "mommy" friends.

And last but not least, once she is fully adjusted to being a mother, one or two more children should be fine... she already be in the throes of motherhood and will probably welcome more children with open arms. In the interim, chip in and you'll see a big difference.
Good luck!

I agree with the others. My goodness, if you want more children you need to be in the trenches now! I have three wonderful daughters. I would like another, but each child adds a lot of work. I have my children pretty closely spaced. Sometimes I think things would be easier if they were spaced a bit more to get use to one at a time. Each child is very different. Personally the first child was the hardest for me. Learning to be a mother is hard. Her job is not only 7 days a week, but 24 hours a day! Its multi-tasking and ever changing. Even when is isn't actively doing something for the kid she is probably thinking about it. She may be sleep deprived too, not to mention her hormones are still out of whack. Its the most important job she will ever have- talk about pressure!

Not to say your mother didn't do it well, but its not fair to expect your wife to be anything like your mother. She has her own strengths and weaknesses. Since your mother was working full time how did she raise you? I don't mean to be rude, but who looked after you while she was working? Being a full time mom, always having your child there with you and being fully responsible for its care and wellbeing is different than having support to leave the kid at daycare or with family (even siblings) for a few hours. Not at all to say your mother didn't work her butt off!

I think it is unwise to set a number of children you would like and bulldose to it. Take it one at a time. Re-evaluate. Take in account quality vs quantity, emotional strength and strength of your marriage, and support available amongst many other things.

Stress level is different for every person like the other comments said. Give her some time to get use to being a mom, you said your son is only 1. Give her a hand and a hug. Ask how you can support in the emotional health of your family. That is a husbands job too, not just earning money. All she may really need is just some encouragement and igknowledgement. Being a mom is the most ThankLESS jobs. That may be enough to make her blossom! One child is not a WALK IN THE PARK.... NOR IS 2, OR 3, OR 4.

Relax. Enjoy each step of the way. Get involved- they grow up really quick!

I hope some of this helps. Even well meaning advise is worthless without your common sense and listening to your hearts together. I think its wonderful that you are trying to work through this instead of ignoring it with hopes it will get better on its own. Good luck!

Hi! I worked from the time I was 16 years old up until coming up on 5 years ago now. I have a little boy who will be 5 in April and a little girl who turned 2 in Oct. I would swear somedays that they multiply on me when I'm not looking. I can tell you that the going from working out in the world of adults that can take care of themselves to the world of little people that demand everything from you, have no manners at all, can't hold a conversation and can't do a thing for themselves, well it's about enough to drive you insane. My husband didn't get it either until we recently separated and he had to take care of the kids, by himself, just after work. He had no idea the amount of messes they can make so quick. We've gotten back together now and he now helps with the stacks of dishes, laundry, and cleaning. He sees when I'm frustrated and stressed out from the kids and says "Why don't I take them from you for a while and you go take a hot bath or something?" That 15min or half hour is so precious it's sick. Do you get a hot shower everyday? What about 3 hot meals? Do you get to get dressed in clothes that make you feel good or run around in sweats with your hair in a ponytail feeling so unattractive everyday but there's really no purpose for fixing up like you did everyday before cuz the kids just don't care. Imagine that you had to present ideas to your boss and try to teach him things and convince him these are good things and good ideas everyday. The same ones over and over everyday. Now, imagine that you only spoke employee but your boss speaks boss only so you two have no communication cuz it sounds like you're both speaking a diffent language but you still have an obligation to get your boss to understand and do what you need him to do cuz that's your job and what needs to be done. You have to do this over and over everyday, with him being highly resistant to anything new and he isn't mentally an equal to you so you also have to figure out how to get down to his level too. You have to do this for not 8 hours a day but 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the rest of your life. You get no lunch break, no time to yourself, no conversation with anyone else that speaks your language all during the day and you get behind on all your normal things that you did at the office too cuz your boss is taking up all your time. Guess who the boss is at your house right now? I tried to go back to work several times now cuz I just can't stay at home with the kids. There's no cut off time for us. I'm willing to bet that if you came home from work, saw that the dishes needed done, just did them without asking her about them or anything, you would get the biggest smile and thank you ever. My husband didn't get that if I got behind on stuff one day, it was just there for me the next and I knew that so I started out the next day behind and got even more overwhelmed and frustrated and it keeps building cuz there's no break from it or help with it. Kids don't come with a manual nor has anyone written the book "How to give up your entire exsistence as a person and become a stay at home mom". It's the toughest transition I ever had to make and I didn't do it well at all. It's even worse when they learn to walk and talk cuz then they also climb and explore and things happen like my daughter got into a brand new mascara I had and painted her face and mouth and ate it also. We found out it's non-toxic. She's my climber on anything she can to reach whatever it is that she's not allowed to have and she will get into anything she possible can. She's going to make a great explorer someday but when she got into the mascara, my husband was brushing his teeth in the bathroom and I was talking to him and she was about 6 feet away when she did this. It happens so fast. Give your wife a break. Realize that you can't possibly put yourself in her shoes unless you do it and realize that she probably won't understand what you go thru at work either so maybe you two could sit down after the baby goes to bed and talk about your days. Don't belittle her for what sounds like an easy day to you cuz everybody handles everything differently. Try asking her, "Honey, I see you all frustrated and stressed out and I won't pretend to understand what you go thru but I love you and I'd like to help but I don't know how. What can I do to help you?" Take your cues from her. If you see laundry that needs folding, don't assume she's been lazy all day, fold it and put it away. Give her some time to adjust. When you met her, she was her. Then she became herself and a wife. Now she's herself, a wife, and a mother. But she's no longer the part of her self esteem that came from that job. She gave up a part of herself to stay home and raise hers and your child so that your child will grow up with all the love and attention that he deserves and he will learn your morals and values, instead of those at the daycare. That's a big sacrifice, even if it doesn't seem like it. Get rid of the ideas you have on how things should be and take a look at the situation again and see how they actually are and start helping to fix them from there. What are you sacrificing so that your son can be raised by you and your wife? Bring home take out dinner sometime so she doesn't have to cook, but let her know the night before that you're going to do that so she has something off her plate that day and has something to look forward to. Tell her "Honey, I know you have some hard days and I can't be here to help you when I'm at work but I'd like to bring dinner home tomorrow night so that maybe that helps a little. You pick. Anything you want." Little things are a HUGE deal to women. It's usually the little things that will get you the furthest. If it sounds like I'm picking on you, I'm not, honest. It's just that my husband could have written what you did before he got it too. Hope this helps. Maybe your wife would like to join the group and talk to some other mom's for suggestions if she hasn't already.

WOW!!!! I thought the first few replies had a little experience behind them until KAREN....... Wow.... I think I smiled and got teary eyed about a dozen times through that one!! That was really..... alot of information, and it looks like it took alot of your time!! OK, You have all made very good points, and Im not one of those guys who think what I want to think and thats it. I came on here knowing I was going to get an earful from the girls for sure!! That is what I wanted. But I didnt exactly give all of you the whole story either.
And Im not going to get into how great my Mother was, I was just giving an example, but my mother worked nights, while we slept at my grandparents!! I dont count "Healthy" sleeping kids as taking care of them!!!! Now when my Son is sick and sleeping, Thats a different ballgame, and Im playing those nights TRUST ME!!!! Okay... Here it goes...
My wife have "Mom Friends" all over our neighborhood, she is always going on walks with them, she does stroller-cise exercise classes, she goes to lunch with friends, etc. etc. My son is VERY easy to do things with as long as you work it around his nap times. So although I did understand all of what you are saying, Alot of the replies painted a picture of: (Me throwing my wife down in the basement with my son when I leave for work and I only allow her to come up and eat one meal a day when I get home, then I throw her back down in the basement until my son is ready to wake up the next morning again!!!). Let me give you an overall view of our week.
Mon - Thursday: I work 9am-6pm, My son wakes up at 6:00am with my wife ONLY, I usually wake at 8:00 shower and go. My son takes 2 naps per day (1 hour each) and she does her walks with him, her classes with him, watches tv with him, plays with him, feeds him his meals, the last being dinner at 5:45pm, gives him a 15 minute bath and I get him from 6pm-7pm to have my play time with him before he goes to bed, which I treasure dearly!!! Then he is out for the night!!!! 7:00pm to 6:00am CHILD FREE!!! That is 11 hours, plus the hour I have him after work and 2 hours of naps during the day, is 14 hours without a child under her feet. Now you need 8 hours sleep?? or say nine being gracious?? That is 1 hour at night that she gets alone, 2 more hours at night we get to spend together, and 2 hours during the day that she gets alone time while he naps. Dishes go into the dishwasher.... Laundry is pretty minimum for the three of us..... And we have a girl come every two weeks and do our bathrooms and floors throughout the house. We have two parks within 2 minutes walks that are loaded with adults to interact with and kids galore. My son LOVES the outdoors and is a pleasure to take care of outside because he could just sit there and watch airplanes in the sky and he is a happy camper. We do take-out 3-4 nights a week, she will MAYBE cook 2 times a week and the others I will make food. On Sundays she sleeps in as long as she wants!! I get up with him at 6am, Saturday AM, we usually do a family thing with him together, and then I somethings have to work a 1/2 day after that. Then Sunday during the day is my time, I usually just relax, watch tv and play with my son in between naps and she will do her few loads of laundry and cleanup the house here and there. Now of course I can do more to help!! I have even gone as far as to surprise her with a masseuse who came to our house after our son went to sleep and gave her an hour and a half massage...... I understand taking care of a child is tough, and she wanted to stay home with him and not work anymore, SHE HATED WORKING, so work was not an esteem thing for her. As far as getting dressed up, yah she lost that for sure, she does the sweatpants thing.... and yes she has to skip showers, and skip meals, but dont we all?? I skip a dozen meals a week, I sometimes hate that I have to get dressed every day, sometimes it rains and I get wet... she doesnt have to go out in the rain for work!!! Sometimes I have to drive for 6 hours to meet clients, turn around and sit in traffic for another 5 hours just to get home. And sometimes.... and sometimes.... and sometimes..... We all have to deal with BS, it doesnt sound like any of our parents won the lottery for us when we were younger!!!! But we each have to pull our own weight. I have no problem helping, but if you look at my original post, my problem here is that we have one easy child and I say that and "Walk in the Park" as a comparison to some kids I see that behave like Satan himself gave birth to them!!! I dont mean to say raising kids is that easy, but ours is as easy as it can get. Now if this is the situation NOW, and we have 2-3 more and god forbid we get a few difficult ones...... What is she going to do then!!!?? I can only do so much too. I have a job that requires my mind to be 120%. If I cannot respond to a client remark or question in a seconds notice and say exactly the right thing it can cost us thousands..... So my time in the trenches needs to be limited somewhat by what I have to do to provide for us.... So just the fact that Im going through this now, and hearing the responses from you with us only having one healthy, well behaved child, tells me that 3-4 kids may never be a possibility for me. Which is very sad to think.....
So again, I really think you all have some great points... but I still find it very difficult to think that I need to do more now than Im already doing to help, and put more stress on my end of things now when there is only one child.
How fair is that to me??? And what is the amount of help that my schedule allows me really going to matter with 3-4 kids when she cant handle 1 now with some of my help!!!???? Because if we had 3-4 children right now and just say I doubled the amount of help I give her, there would still be the work of 2 kids that would be too much for her and I!!??
So what then, do we sell them??? Just kidding!!!
I hope you all take into account that I wouldnt change a thing right now with anything. She is the best wife, best mother and we have the best son and we have a great relationship, so my life is great. It just kills me to see her struggle with getting so aggravated with one child when we are talking about having more every night!!!! And trying to have more every night!!!! I got really lucky with my wife and my son so I cant complain too much... Maybe I need to just kill the idea of more children??

Out of sight, doesn't mean out of mind- even when you child is sleeping!

I have often pointed out to my husband that of the two of us, only one of us had both a successful career and then been a full time, stay at home parent. And I can tell you being that person, being home with the kids is so much harder! When I worked, even though I traveled and was responsible for overseeing a $70 million advertising budget, when I didn't want to talk to my client or vendor, I could choose to not answer the phone for 15 minutes. I could recharge.... collect myself and re-enter the fray. I got to take nice, one hour lunch breaks where I didn't have to worry about feeding someone else, cutting their meat, or cleaning up after them. When a client got out of line, I could (for the most part) reason with them. And when I felt it was time, I could leave my job at then end of the day and go back to a nice, quiet, CLEAN, home.

Those days are gone. Being a mother is the most challenging job I have ever loved. I can't tune out when my kids need me (although, trust me, I am tempted). And it is damn near impossible to reason with a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. It's a level of stress and worry that you can't turn off at the end of the work day. And any of us who get up at night with our kids know, there is NO end to the "work day".
I don't get 2 weeks paid vacation.... I can't take a "sick day" when I just don't feel like going to work.

We all have different abiities to deal with stress. And my husband can stomach some of the behaviors and outbursts during the weekend because it is a finite amount of time for him. Try every day! And we are all different, so whereas my daughter's mood swings and sassing back don't bother him near as much, it can drive me up a wall.

I think what makes a happy kid are parents that understand and support each other. The best thing my husband can do when I am at my wits end with my two is support me and offer to help in any little way ("Can I pick something up at the store for you on the way home?"). What would make our situation untenable is if he said "Why can't you handle the kids and have the house cleaner when I get home? And get me my slippers and pipe!".

It will get easier... you just have to support each other and retain your sense of humor.

Ok, well I know I appreciate everything my wife does and I respect her more than anything so it may just come down the the simple fact that I am not entirely acknowledging the mental part of what she goes through day in and day out in raising our son. So after hearing alot of the same things, let me ask stay at home mom's this! If you were to make a list of top ten things in a day you would want just done without you thinking of it.... ANYTHING!!, what would it be?? 1-10, (1) being the most important to you. I am willing to try anything to fix this before it even becomes something that we have to talk about together and get each other upset. If I can get an idea of what is the worst part of your days and I can do a few of them a day to take some pressure off her, Im willing to give that a shot and see how her mood changes with our son. I hope im not being a pain in the #$% here. I just wanted some hands on advice before I made an issue out of it in our relationship. THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE!!

Hi Jacob, I will try to answer you as best I can, but it's incredibly hard to articulate how difficult it is being at the 1st time SAHM of a toddler. Just like me, your wife left her work (I was a HS teacher) and is learning to parent her first child, and with that comes living up to internal and external expectations, isolation, sleep deprivation, and the feeling of being "under seige" all day. You are also learning to deal with the stress this brings. All I can advise to do is to be supportive, try not to coach, try not to make judgements right now that your wife cannot handle anything or compare her with another. It saddens me that you have gotten to the point to not lift a finger to help her to see if she can really handle it, honestly, this shouldn't be a test and it's not really fair. Because the experience is so subjective, and I know mine won't help you if you approach your wife with it, I think you'd get more practical advice from asking your wife what she needs from you to help her out. Julz

Hi! I think it's great that you want a top ten list of things cuz you care so much but unfortunately, you can get a top ten list from 10 differnt women on here and there might be some similarities but they will not be the same and they won't be what your wife would put on her list. Not to complicate things more for you but each woman in th world would have a different list according to what's important to them and what they can't handle at the time. It would be better if you said to your wife something like "Honey, I know you've been frustrated and stressed out lately so I had a thought." And then present the list. Or make her a coupon book with coupons in it that say things like "One free hour to yourself redeemable anytime." or "One I got our son first thing in the morning so you can sleep extra" or things like that that you know she might like or if you don't know what she might like put "This coupon is good for one hour of whatever you need from me" I don't know your wife so I don't know what she'd think of this but I know I'd appreciate it if my husband did those things for me. Hope that helps. Good luck.

I am a stay at home mom of a one year old and a four year old and for the longest time my husband who worked very long hours felt just like you, now that he is at home out on workmans comp he totally understands why I was literally going crazy! I breastfed, my son did not sleep at night for the first nine months, my four year old is very active and most days I did not get a shower, your wife is a first time mom, and jumping into staying at home is quite an adjustment. I think you should try to be a little more understanding if you really want to have more kids, if you don't help her with this one she might just decide not to have any more! I know you are a man and you can't help it but you need to come on! As far as you mom raising four kids on her own that is great but your wife is not and will never will be your mom, and for your sake I hope you don't use that against her. Sorry if I am coming off as being rude but I have been where your wife is and I feel very strongly about this, if you need advice on please feel free to ask if your not too pissd off after reading this. GOOD LUCK!! Liz. Please try to give your wife some time to herself, even just for a bath, and on your day off you could split the day and make her do something for herself, this is a big deal, I ended up very depressed after only talking to kids all day and never having any free time, believe me it will be much worse for you if she ends up depressed. I just read your request for "top ten" I will make a list and send it to you in a message, I need a minute to narrow it down! LOL

Well, you said you expected an earful and it looks like thats what you got! Honestly, I did not read every entry so forgive me if this sounds redundant. One of the things I went through was feeling resentful - not at my daughter, just at the idea that my old life will never return. Whether or not I want it, I will always be a mom. It takes time to get used to it. It sounds like she does a lot and that's great for her. The first child is always like a type of culture shock. And everywhere you go, this little person you would happily give your life for is right there next to you ALL the time. No matter how easy my daughter is, sometimes I just want some time to be me, the person. Not me the mom, wife, daughter, student, friend, etc. Just the old me. Sounds unanimous that it's quite a change being a stay at home parent. She might even resent you for being able to come and go as you please (that doesn't mean you actually can come and go, but to her it might seem that way), and now she has to totally rely on you for support. No matter what my husband says, his paychecks will never be "our" money because I didn't "work" for it. Hey - I never said it made sense! = ) But emotions never do.

Let me just point out: the "Running of the Bulls" only takes place once a year. Imagine running it for 16-18 hours per day every day for a year -- and knowing it will be more of the same for many more years. You'd be exhausted and weary. Running of the Bulls? Child's play in comparison.

My husband is totally clear about being grateful that he gets to get out of the house and work. Not that his work isn't stressful (he prosecutes violent criminals, so imagine what's at stake if he's not on form), but he has more control, more renewing interaction, a sense of accomplishment for items checked off the list, etc. He loves spending time with our son and is great at it, but he knows he only does it in spurts and that it is completely different when it's seemingly never-ending.

It's vastly different when you're "helping" someone out for a few hours than when you're the one "in charge." Other people, including my husband, can play or do whatever with my child, free from the mental work of teaching rules, teaching skills, instilling values, etc. There's a lot of background work that goes on in addition to the outward "play, feed, clean" work that in itself can be an avalanche.

It's late in the afternoon, my low ebb of energy time, so I apologize if I sound hostile. I don't feel that way: just passionate in my hopes that you'll afford your wife more credit and compassion. Best wishes to your family. :)

you mentioned that you don't want this to go so far that you and your wife have to talk about this and get upset. nobody on this site is your wife and nobody can answer these questions as she would. it sounds like she is the one you should be talking to. my husband and i have issues just like everybody else but we talk to eachother when things are tough. and yeah, we fight. but that is part of the territory. i am a stay at home mom myself. i just recently quit working because i'm pregnant again. i have a 5 yearold daughter and 2 yearold twin boys. and i may be expecting twins again. my daughter is from a previous relationship and i wouldn't have been able to handle it without the support of my family. i left her dad when i was 2 months pregnant. it was hard but i was able to get an occasional break. adjusting to 1 child is hard, what did she do before she had the baby? probably a lot more than she does now. my twins are way more active than my daughter and they make big messes. i'm in the process of trying to get them to pick up their toys. that gets me so tired by 2 oclock that i'm ready to take a nap with them. the only time i ever get quiet time is when they are taking a nap. i have to lay down and rest now because i'm pregnant, but it is hard to do that. i have so many things to catch up on that it is hard to even do the dishes. i agree with every woman that has said anything on here. they have great advice. and i know that you feel attacked, but i feel that you insulted a lot of people or at least me when you said just one child is a walk in the park. did you ever think the reason your son is so well behaived is because your wife is spending all her time with him and influencing him? yes I've seen some satan children myself, and i know some of their parents don't give two craps of how they behaive or if they are even there. i'm not saying that all misbehaived children have bad parents. that isn't the case. but your son is obviously content with the attention that he gets and that is hard for a mother to provide for a child. children need and want constant attention.
i can't really say anything else that you haven't already heard, but the only impression that i got from reading your comments and complaints is that you want this to be fixed without really addressing the problem. the only way that this is going to get resolved is by sitting down with your wife and telling her how you feel and hear her in return. no one here knows exactly what is going through her head, just like she doesn't know what is in yours unless you tell her and vise versa. i wish you both very good luck, and don't take any of what i've said personnally. it is just the impression that i got.

I am not a stay at home Mom. In fact, I have never been a Mom at all. So what right do I have to comment on this? Well I have been a daughter of a stay at home Mom. My Mom should not have been a stay at home. She was resentful and took it out on the kids. I am going to be a Step-Mom soon, and I will NEVER take it out on the kids. My Dad also worked a lot, and hardly pitched as much as you. You sound pretty supportive to me. But what do I know? ;-) Being a stay at home Mom is not a walk in the park--that's for sure. But I think every Mom is different--I think you guys should play it by ear. Maybe she just needs to be "broken in" sorry for the expression, and then once she gets used to it the next 2-3 will be easier becuase she has already been there and done that! I think you are ebing very supportive personally, and that the masseuse thing is awesome. Just my opinion...