
Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.

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I wanted some outside opinions on this matter. My wife and I have a great relationship and we have the best son, he is 1 now and although he has his moments, from what I have seen from other kids his age, he is pretty well behaved. I work six days a week and my wife stopped working to become a fulltime mom. I come home from work and she acts as if she just participated in "the running of the bulls". I understand taking care of kids can be tough, but cmon!!!?? We plan on having 3-4 kids and quite honestly Im horrified!!! My mom raised 4 boys ALL ALONE and worked full time!!! I have gotten to the point that I dont want to even raise a finger to help my wife with him because I want to see if she can really handle a house full of them!!! He gets whiney sometimes and she gets soooo aggravated!!! What happens when he have a few running around whining??? Of course with 3-4 kids ill be right there in the trenches with her, but is she going to be able to handle her part of it when she is having a tought time now with just one???? She is the best mother and loves him more than anything, and she wants more kids as much as I do, if not more!!! What do I do here??? I feel like she is the best mom, but I just dont understand why our one son isnt a "walk in the park" for her right now???
Could really use some input here!!!
Could really use some input here!!!
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And I agree, she needs some adult conversation and also some time for herself. At least once a week, she should get a sitter and find time for something she enjoys (excercising, facial, manicure and/or just quiet time).
I also recommend that she find some type of mommy & me class. I couldn't survive without my "mommy" friends.
And last but not least, once she is fully adjusted to being a mother, one or two more children should be fine... she already be in the throes of motherhood and will probably welcome more children with open arms. In the interim, chip in and you'll see a big difference.
Good luck!
Not to say your mother didn't do it well, but its not fair to expect your wife to be anything like your mother. She has her own strengths and weaknesses. Since your mother was working full time how did she raise you? I don't mean to be rude, but who looked after you while she was working? Being a full time mom, always having your child there with you and being fully responsible for its care and wellbeing is different than having support to leave the kid at daycare or with family (even siblings) for a few hours. Not at all to say your mother didn't work her butt off!
I think it is unwise to set a number of children you would like and bulldose to it. Take it one at a time. Re-evaluate. Take in account quality vs quantity, emotional strength and strength of your marriage, and support available amongst many other things.
Stress level is different for every person like the other comments said. Give her some time to get use to being a mom, you said your son is only 1. Give her a hand and a hug. Ask how you can support in the emotional health of your family. That is a husbands job too, not just earning money. All she may really need is just some encouragement and igknowledgement. Being a mom is the most ThankLESS jobs. That may be enough to make her blossom! One child is not a WALK IN THE PARK.... NOR IS 2, OR 3, OR 4.
Relax. Enjoy each step of the way. Get involved- they grow up really quick!
I hope some of this helps. Even well meaning advise is worthless without your common sense and listening to your hearts together. I think its wonderful that you are trying to work through this instead of ignoring it with hopes it will get better on its own. Good luck!
And Im not going to get into how great my Mother was, I was just giving an example, but my mother worked nights, while we slept at my grandparents!! I dont count "Healthy" sleeping kids as taking care of them!!!! Now when my Son is sick and sleeping, Thats a different ballgame, and Im playing those nights TRUST ME!!!! Okay... Here it goes...
My wife have "Mom Friends" all over our neighborhood, she is always going on walks with them, she does stroller-cise exercise classes, she goes to lunch with friends, etc. etc. My son is VERY easy to do things with as long as you work it around his nap times. So although I did understand all of what you are saying, Alot of the replies painted a picture of: (Me throwing my wife down in the basement with my son when I leave for work and I only allow her to come up and eat one meal a day when I get home, then I throw her back down in the basement until my son is ready to wake up the next morning again!!!). Let me give you an overall view of our week.
Mon - Thursday: I work 9am-6pm, My son wakes up at 6:00am with my wife ONLY, I usually wake at 8:00 shower and go. My son takes 2 naps per day (1 hour each) and she does her walks with him, her classes with him, watches tv with him, plays with him, feeds him his meals, the last being dinner at 5:45pm, gives him a 15 minute bath and I get him from 6pm-7pm to have my play time with him before he goes to bed, which I treasure dearly!!! Then he is out for the night!!!! 7:00pm to 6:00am CHILD FREE!!! That is 11 hours, plus the hour I have him after work and 2 hours of naps during the day, is 14 hours without a child under her feet. Now you need 8 hours sleep?? or say nine being gracious?? That is 1 hour at night that she gets alone, 2 more hours at night we get to spend together, and 2 hours during the day that she gets alone time while he naps. Dishes go into the dishwasher.... Laundry is pretty minimum for the three of us..... And we have a girl come every two weeks and do our bathrooms and floors throughout the house. We have two parks within 2 minutes walks that are loaded with adults to interact with and kids galore. My son LOVES the outdoors and is a pleasure to take care of outside because he could just sit there and watch airplanes in the sky and he is a happy camper. We do take-out 3-4 nights a week, she will MAYBE cook 2 times a week and the others I will make food. On Sundays she sleeps in as long as she wants!! I get up with him at 6am, Saturday AM, we usually do a family thing with him together, and then I somethings have to work a 1/2 day after that. Then Sunday during the day is my time, I usually just relax, watch tv and play with my son in between naps and she will do her few loads of laundry and cleanup the house here and there. Now of course I can do more to help!! I have even gone as far as to surprise her with a masseuse who came to our house after our son went to sleep and gave her an hour and a half massage...... I understand taking care of a child is tough, and she wanted to stay home with him and not work anymore, SHE HATED WORKING, so work was not an esteem thing for her. As far as getting dressed up, yah she lost that for sure, she does the sweatpants thing.... and yes she has to skip showers, and skip meals, but dont we all?? I skip a dozen meals a week, I sometimes hate that I have to get dressed every day, sometimes it rains and I get wet... she doesnt have to go out in the rain for work!!! Sometimes I have to drive for 6 hours to meet clients, turn around and sit in traffic for another 5 hours just to get home. And sometimes.... and sometimes.... and sometimes..... We all have to deal with BS, it doesnt sound like any of our parents won the lottery for us when we were younger!!!! But we each have to pull our own weight. I have no problem helping, but if you look at my original post, my problem here is that we have one easy child and I say that and "Walk in the Park" as a comparison to some kids I see that behave like Satan himself gave birth to them!!! I dont mean to say raising kids is that easy, but ours is as easy as it can get. Now if this is the situation NOW, and we have 2-3 more and god forbid we get a few difficult ones...... What is she going to do then!!!?? I can only do so much too. I have a job that requires my mind to be 120%. If I cannot respond to a client remark or question in a seconds notice and say exactly the right thing it can cost us thousands..... So my time in the trenches needs to be limited somewhat by what I have to do to provide for us.... So just the fact that Im going through this now, and hearing the responses from you with us only having one healthy, well behaved child, tells me that 3-4 kids may never be a possibility for me. Which is very sad to think.....
So again, I really think you all have some great points... but I still find it very difficult to think that I need to do more now than Im already doing to help, and put more stress on my end of things now when there is only one child.
How fair is that to me??? And what is the amount of help that my schedule allows me really going to matter with 3-4 kids when she cant handle 1 now with some of my help!!!???? Because if we had 3-4 children right now and just say I doubled the amount of help I give her, there would still be the work of 2 kids that would be too much for her and I!!??
So what then, do we sell them??? Just kidding!!!
I hope you all take into account that I wouldnt change a thing right now with anything. She is the best wife, best mother and we have the best son and we have a great relationship, so my life is great. It just kills me to see her struggle with getting so aggravated with one child when we are talking about having more every night!!!! And trying to have more every night!!!! I got really lucky with my wife and my son so I cant complain too much... Maybe I need to just kill the idea of more children??
Those days are gone. Being a mother is the most challenging job I have ever loved. I can't tune out when my kids need me (although, trust me, I am tempted). And it is damn near impossible to reason with a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. It's a level of stress and worry that you can't turn off at the end of the work day. And any of us who get up at night with our kids know, there is NO end to the "work day".
I don't get 2 weeks paid vacation.... I can't take a "sick day" when I just don't feel like going to work.
We all have different abiities to deal with stress. And my husband can stomach some of the behaviors and outbursts during the weekend because it is a finite amount of time for him. Try every day! And we are all different, so whereas my daughter's mood swings and sassing back don't bother him near as much, it can drive me up a wall.
I think what makes a happy kid are parents that understand and support each other. The best thing my husband can do when I am at my wits end with my two is support me and offer to help in any little way ("Can I pick something up at the store for you on the way home?"). What would make our situation untenable is if he said "Why can't you handle the kids and have the house cleaner when I get home? And get me my slippers and pipe!".
It will get easier... you just have to support each other and retain your sense of humor.
My husband is totally clear about being grateful that he gets to get out of the house and work. Not that his work isn't stressful (he prosecutes violent criminals, so imagine what's at stake if he's not on form), but he has more control, more renewing interaction, a sense of accomplishment for items checked off the list, etc. He loves spending time with our son and is great at it, but he knows he only does it in spurts and that it is completely different when it's seemingly never-ending.
It's vastly different when you're "helping" someone out for a few hours than when you're the one "in charge." Other people, including my husband, can play or do whatever with my child, free from the mental work of teaching rules, teaching skills, instilling values, etc. There's a lot of background work that goes on in addition to the outward "play, feed, clean" work that in itself can be an avalanche.
It's late in the afternoon, my low ebb of energy time, so I apologize if I sound hostile. I don't feel that way: just passionate in my hopes that you'll afford your wife more credit and compassion. Best wishes to your family. :)
i can't really say anything else that you haven't already heard, but the only impression that i got from reading your comments and complaints is that you want this to be fixed without really addressing the problem. the only way that this is going to get resolved is by sitting down with your wife and telling her how you feel and hear her in return. no one here knows exactly what is going through her head, just like she doesn't know what is in yours unless you tell her and vise versa. i wish you both very good luck, and don't take any of what i've said personnally. it is just the impression that i got.