Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

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Daughter thinks she is gay

I have a 15 year old daughter who thinks she is gay. She admits that she may also be confused. She is \"involved\" with a girl who is bisexual that goes to another school across town. She met her through a group of friends.
I had spoken to the girl\'s mother when my daughter wanted to go to the movies with her and told her how my daughter felt about hers. I did this not to tattle, but my daughter wanted to be alone with the girl, and I told her that she was too young to date, whether it be boy or girl, and I didn\'t want the mother who was taking them to leave them alone. The mother was very adamant that her daughter was not gay and in fact, was very boy crazy.
My daughter is \"in love\" and refuses to even talk to anyone one else, boy or girl, because she thinks she is in a relationship, but I think that this one other girl is just keeping my daughter as her long distance love while she is out dating.
I\'m not anti-gay, but I just don\'t want my daughter to miss out on maybe meeting someone, maybe a boy, because of this. She is going through a rough time at school and with friends as they are all calling her names because she\'s told alot of her friends that she is gay and has a girlfriend.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I want to commend you for the fact that you arent judging your daughter for thinking that she may be gay. My daughter is 17 and has admitted to me that she likes both girls and boys. I told her that I do not care so long as she is happy and what not. I also think that not wanting your daughter alone with someone she is interested in a relationship with being along...that just opens doors that are sometimes very hard to close.

Now so far as teen relationships go I have come to the conclusion with having 3 teens both boy and girl relationships are nothing more then a way to create some "adult" drama. Chances are that this may last for a few months maybe but then there will be the dramatic break up, the devastation, and then the move to the one who is assumed to be better than the last until the cycle starts all over again. I am certain that given a little bit of time she will be seeing someone else so dont worry that this is someone that she is going to become totally focused on.

If her friends at school are true friends they will get over the shock and realize that she is still the same person who was easily accepted as their friend before they knew that she may be gay.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Being a teenager is hard and they go through lots of differance stages trying to find out who they are.
It's great that your supporting your daughter.
deleted_user
deleted_user

thank you both. It's been hard. I ask her about boys and maybe if she likes anyone and she gets mad. So then I ask her about her girlfriend, and she gets mad. She's told me that several boys have liked her, but she never shows them any interest.
Yes, I'm still hoping that she will lean more towards boys, there's still heartache, but not so much hate involved when you start going around telling people you are gay.
She is still very mentally unstable, I'm afraid about this one girlfriend of hers leading her on and mine just waits on her, while she's out there dating boys.
I guess this is one of those times, I have to step back and let it go huh?
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think ShannonU and inlotsofpain have it nailed. They can go through stages like this, and usually end up not being gay at all. It is all out in the open now, so things happen. Also, there are people that turn out to be gay and kudos for you, for giving her support and loving her! Many doctors think it is genetic, I have my own theories, but none of them involve being a bad parent. You are a good parent, this is obvious. Letting her go through this is, I guess, healthy (I think) There are not many ways to surprise a 60's or 70s mother these days, are there? Particularly one like me! ;-) I know a lot about growing up with drugs, heavy metal music, and shocking behavior. How to rebel against that? To be a born again Christian would to it, as I was born strict Jewish (no offense meant please) and so, being gay, is one of those things. I do understand your discomfort with her wanting to be alone with the girl. That will have to be up to you. Gook luck! Gail
whiskeytangofoxtrot
whiskeytangofoxtrot

I commend you with your involvement and openess with her. I think it is key no matter what she chooses in the future. But you are 100% right I think about informing the other girls mother.

Bottom line, I agree, 15 is TOO YOUNG to be 'dating' anyone, male or female. Good luck to you and keep up the good work. My concern right now is setting guidelines with 'alone' time with the 'girlfriend' or any boys for that matter too.
deleted_user
deleted_user

i pretty much agree with all that everyone else has said.

And i commend you for being very open and non-judgemental with your daughter.

The fact is however, that people are aware of their sexual orientation at a very young age. Normally speaking, if a teenager is saying that they "think" they are gay, it's generally because they KNOW they are gay, but are afraid of the reactions they will get from loved ones, so they are testing the waters first before making a formal "coming out"

Does that makes sense? I hope it does. Now I realize that I don't know your entire situation, but based on what you have said here, I believe your daughter is in fact a lesbian, but is trying to get validation from you that you are going to love her no matter what, before she fully admits this to you.

As you said, this is one of those situations that you just have to let her go and find her own way.

But I do agree that 15 IS too young to be alone with anyone of romantic interest, be it male or female.
deleted_user
deleted_user

thank you all. I just wish that she had not told so many of her friends. Now no one is calling her, inviting her out and it's making the situation worse. She flew into another one her violent rages, calling me some horrible names and attacking my husband. She blames me for all her problems and I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. I tried to put her in a psych hospital but we can't afford it due to our high deductible.
Last night she cut up her arms and doesn't understand why I want her to cover them up when we go out.
Somebody, please pray for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sounds like she could use some counseling of some sort. Kids that age beat all I ever seen. My son had something come up and I practically begged him not to tell a bunch of his friends at school - well he did anyway. Sometimes I think the teens just love the drama. Of course her cutting is not good at all and like I said I think if you could get her into see a counselor that would be a good idea.
I have told both my kids that I don't condone gay relationships but if they chose to go that route I would love them regardless. Good of you to support her either way.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh one more thing - as far as not being alone with a boy or girl, I think that is smart. Teens and the raging hormones - what's a mom to do??
deleted_user
deleted_user

This isnt advice, but experiencing a similar situation. My daughter has "gone with" boys all the way up until last year. She met a girl, also through a friend, who lives across town and goes to another school. I love my daughter for who she is. We've always been very close.
Since meeting this very open, proud of her sexuality girl, my daughter is lying, deceiving, and manipulating to get her way. The girl's mom allows her to, stay out late, have sleep overs with her signifcant others, as well as even allowed my daughter to put the mom's number as an early out notification for school. In addition, I allowed my daughter to go to the girls junior prom in which my daughter drove. I stretched my rule and approved a midnight curfew (11:00 other nights) that specific night. She asked if she could go to her dads after prom and I fore warned Dad of possibe after prom activities. Needless to say, Dad allowed her to go to "her girl friends" after prom party, and the Mom provided the alcohol. I dont approve of "spending the night" with your partner, male or female.

This girl is buying my daughter male clothing! She's about a size 8 in women's clothes, but wearing a mens 38 shorts. She wore a suit and tie to the prom! My daughter is coming home with hickies! Why? This girl absolutely hates me as do not allow my daughter the freedom her mother does.

I have attended 2 counseling sessions with hopes of her also attending as early as tomorrow. She is very hateful right now and Dad is her hero. This is a man that has not supported her, physcially, emotionally, or atheletically or financially. He is 53k behind on child support and works under the table to keep from child support enforcment garnishment. He refuses to follow my rules when she is there. If she's out, he doesnt wait up until she is safely home. He was incarcerated from Oct 04-Oct 07. He withdrew my son from our local high school and allowed my son to quit. He would have been a graduate of 2009. I dont want this to happen to my daughter!!! She is a very talented soccer player and had aspirations to play in college. This girl wants to start "their lives together". Any help, advice you can share would be appreciated. I am at wits end and as much as I would love for her to live with her Dad so she can see how good she does have it at our home, he is not a mature parent!

Sorry for any spelling errors! I typed quick!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Although I am a boy, I can tell you two things:

1) Bisexuals are just gay kids in denial with their balls pinched on the fence. OUCH!

2) Your child will know her/his sexual identity before you do.

Listen to her. Do not criticize her. This is probably the most difficult conversation she will ever in her life have with you. And please remember that many people change their sexual attractions many times in their lives. Don't think this is ever the end

Liam,
Gay
Member since age 12
deleted_user
deleted_user

Crazy ....I am open minded and do not have issues with same sex relationships. I always thought I would be ok if my daughter was gay. She told me a week ago that she is gay.....and it has made me crazy. I feel so sad, keep hoping this is just a stage. Why is this so hard?
deleted_user
deleted_user

RJTC, at first, I was just thinking okay, this is a phase, but it hasn't dwindled. She wears AXE all the time, guy clothes, even got her hair cut like a guy. Today I begged her to at least put on some make up, to at least show part of her is a girl. She agreed to that.
I was sad too, we want them to have a normal life, whatever that is. And kids are so cruel, they don't need to go through anymore teasing. She gets lots of that, but just brushes them off. She is quite proud of who she is, and I'm proud of her for pretty much not complying to anything that she is not.
I truly do love her regardless, but i"ll be honest, I still hope it's a phase!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Not advise, just a statement. My 17 year daughter just told me the same thing and I am furious. She like so many others are a product of their screwed up generation. I racked my brain and memories and there is nothing to indicate that she sways this way. However, she has always since a toddler wanted attention mostly negative she seemed to thrive on it. If she continues to make this choice then I have no choice but to distance myself from her. Judge me if you wish but she knows how I have always felt about this subject and just because she is my daughter does not change me. She is a stupid idiot with a high IQ but not smart enough to see the mistake she is making..She was not born this way! This is a sexual preference and nothing more. I am disgusted by her
deleted_user
deleted_user

Soga, I also have experienced this with my son. He has always leaned toward silky clothes and even asked me if I would buy him undergarments he pointed out in a catalog. He even wanted a princess/ballerina costume for halloween one year.
I started buying him boys/men silk underwear and as time passed he started wanting to wear makeup like eye liner. (He was wanting to be a rock star)
I have found bras from young girls he borrowed, and would secretly wear and play dress up with some of his friends (boys).
One day he came home and told me he was going to fight another kid at school the next day, when I asked him why he said the kid called him gay. I said oh you are not gay you are just a metrosexual, and he looked at me and said NO I AM A BI-SEXUAL.
On the inside I think I was trying to scream with my jaw dropped to the floor, but I said...are you ashamed of who you are? and he said no. I said so why fight someone for this?
I need to explain the first behaviors started around age 3 and by the time he talked about the fight he was 13.
He and his other friend could not find dates to a dance so they ended up going together as a couple.
Now my biggest concern all along was to be supportive and not make him fell ugly or ashamed of who he is not matter who that might be.
Several years ago he started dating girls and now has a wonderful girlfriend who he has dated for quite some time.
I asked him not long ago about him being bi-sexual and he said well I figured out I am not at all gay I am totally heterosexual.
He was going through a faze, I think it is very confusing for todays kids trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into this world.
He asked me how I felt about persons who are gay and I told him everyone's God creation and that I can not judge only God can do that.
So your daugter may be gay or she may be going through self exploration. Let her know you are there for her no matter what.
I do agree she is to young to stay over and have date nights like that.
My thoughts and prayers are with you