Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of preschoolers (3 to 5 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.

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deleted_user 04/04/2008

Hi! I havent ever posted to this board, although I read it alot. I have a question and am not sure if you guys are the right group to help, but I am hoping someone can advise.

My husband is a pastor of a 800 member church in our area. Ever since our first child came along (which was only a short time after we were married that we got pregnant with her)he has always seemed to make himself busy. I know that taking care of all of those church members is a big job, but I always feel like he chooses the church and church work over his family. We have now been married for almost 6 years and I am just so tired. We have a 4 yr old girl and 3 yr old boy. At our last church which was a smaller country church, he was gone almost every night. He joined a hunting club, he was fishing, he was at meetings, he was "visiting members", he was our with his father, he was golfing, or in a must do "charity golf tournament"...ALL THE TIME. By the end of our stay in that church, I was honestly contemplating a divorce.

Our move back to the big city came just in the nick of time for us, as I do not think our marriage would have survived another year of his hobbies and activities. We ended up moving into the same neighborhood that his parents live in and I knew that was bad news, but I could not talk him out of it.

Now, he and his father are making plans every week. Since we have been back home (a year in June) he has gone on 3 or more 2-3+ night overnight fishing/hunting trips with his father and has been invited on numerous more that I have told him absolutely no to...like trips out of state...

I am sorry to be so long winded, but I just do not know what to do. It really seems to me (and he swears it is not the case) that he doesnt like being with us or at home. I feel like a single parent most of the time and I just dont want to live my whole life this way. We now have #3 on the way, which was a hard decision for us...for me becuase I knew he wouldnt be much help and for him because he really wasnt sure he wanted #3 anyway, but we did it and now I am more scared than ever.

Anyone have any ideas of where to start opening this can of worms or getting him to be happier with his wife and kids over his father and friends?

Thanks!

deleted_user 04/04/2008

sorry to hear your having this issue, I to feel like a single parent, my husband run's two local businesses... and have very little time left for me and his two little girls, he does try however.. for him, its more of a have to than a choice... its hard on all of us, and I know how much he wants to be home with us more... so that does help, knowing that. Your husband is taking for granted that you are home with the kids and not in need of his support, he needs to give you and his family equal time to his hobbies.. fishing trips etc... yes, that would really bother me to, he needs to understand that your children come first..above fishing for example, they are only little for such a short time.

deleted_user 04/04/2008

I know. I feel like if I knew that he HAD to be away, then I wouldn't feel so sad, but he always makes decisions that leave me and the kids in the dark and I am just so tired of it. Thanks for responding. I just needed someone to tell me I am not being to demanding or expeccting too much from him. I know my parents were not this way while we were growing up and so I just assumed that my marriage would have that same thing...and it doesnt even come close.

deleted_user 04/05/2008

well, the last thing you want to do is compare your marriage to your parents, I doubt any marriage would come close to that, different times and values etc... I do think it helps me to feel better knowing that he does try, and he does want to be home.. but for him he is a prisoner of his work.. so I do my best to support him at every bend.. its very hard and I wish he could slow down and be able to spend more time with his children, if he was out on fishing trips or had other hobbies that took him from his children, then..I would have a problem with that and yes I beleive it would cause problems in our marriage. Hang in there though.. talk to him and pray about it.. he sounds like a good husband and father, just needs to spread his time a little more equally.

deleted_user 04/06/2008

myangelbaby, you are paraphrasing my life. I too feel a lot of the time as though I am single. My husband chooses to go socialize a lot over being home and it angers me and tears me up inside as he used to enjoy being with me, now it seems the only time he makes an effort to be home is when I make a big fuss, threaten divorce or there is nothing better going on. I feel your pain about his family, as well. He has two siblings right here in our complex (like four doors away!) and that makes the problem worse as he sees their home as his escape whenever he's 'bored' at home.

My hubby also works seasonal work which drives me crazy because his hours are varied and if they're not, he fudges so he can spend more time away. It really urks me and a lot of the time I feel ready to move onto someone who wants to spend time with us.

You're definitely not expecting too much...I totally understand because I too grew up where my dad was home every night and played with me after work and my husband just doesn't do that with our kids. It's very disheartening and after seven years for me, I'm tired too. Hugs to you...just know there are others that are in the same boat and truly understand.

deleted_user 04/07/2008

As hard as it's going to be, you need to sit down with him and tell him basically waht you are telling us. I know (firsthand) it's harder done than said. :) You need time away from the kids and hobbies of your own. The kids also need their father. So if he is out 3 nights a week, he also needs to be in 3 nights a week. You also need to say hey, I have plans for x, you are taking care of YOUR children. See what he does. If he has to be out, then he needs to take care of a babysitter etc.

I don't know if you can get him happier with his wife and kids but my hubby is the same way, except, he is home. He's off to the computer, only to come out when it's time for bed (and some extra cirricular activites). Which really turns me off because he just dodges me and then thinks I'm on when he is. URG!

I would start by talking, then say we need counseling. I would think if he practices what he preaches, he would understand that GOd wants them not only to finacially take care of the family but also to take care of it at home. Good luck, I know it won't be easy.

deleted_user 04/08/2008

I read your post and thought wow this sounds familiar. My husband is married to not just me but the military and his work. He also goes into these phases where he needs positive reinforcement I call it from younger friends.
If you can sit him down and tell him how you feel maybe he will open up but then again he may not which is the position I am in. I am too clingy yet he travels all over for work and does things with coworkers at least twice a week after work. My son is always asking will daddy be home today? Good luck and hope you can get through.

deleted_user 04/20/2008

I so understand! my hubby is always at work. now most would cot complain about that, but he works 12hr swing and as much over time as he can get. I know we can always use the money, but come on! i get so tired of feeling like i am the only one raising our 4 kids! good luck to you!

deleted_user 04/28/2008

Be honest and upfront with him. That wouldn't fly in my house.
He needs to be responsible and care and support (emotionally too) his family and his wife.
Tell him how you feel and where you think things are going to be heading if things don't change.
Honesty is the only way things are going to get any better. He needs to stop being a 'single' person and get back into the role of husband and father.

soulgone 05/28/2008

Sad as it is, I can chip in here two. I have felt like a Married single mother. Between golf outings, meetings, drinking with buddies, participating in the Fire Department, etc. Now, latest, taking a job that is primarly full-time travel.

For us, divorce has come up more than once and he says he wants to be home and spend more time with the kids. But, then he spends his time complaining when he is that he's bored, etc.

I wish I had advice, as I could use some myself. Just know you aren't alone in the married but single parent club.

deleted_user 05/28/2008

single married women united! guess what...my husband has dragged me to Timbuktu for his job (i don't like it here in Timbuktu!) He left the house at 4 a.m. this morning, and usually doesn't get home until 7 or after...and that COULD be considered a short day. He, coincidentally just called to say he's still in a review....Soooooooo.

I remind him that i didn't sign up to be a single parent...and if he's going to continue working this way (he has to for his career), then i want to move by family or friends.

fortunately for me, he is just involved in work, and doesn't do all the extra stuff...

there's just ONE point of irony here...(i totally support YOU!) its interesting that the man who probably teaches others to put God and Family first puts his at the tail end...

have you ever reminded him of that?

good luck to everyone here! and best wishes to you...i hope it all works out for everyone.

we could all move to the same location and create our own village! xo

deleted_user 06/22/2008

Can I just ask, why are you waiting around at home for him?

Why not find a babysitter and get out and do your own thing too?

If he can go out and have his hobbies, there is no reason you can't do the same.

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