
Parenting Preschoolers (3-5) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of preschoolers (3 to 5 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.
AM I HURTING MY SONS. PLZ HELP ME!!

deleted_user
AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW. I AM THE GUARDIAN OF MY NIECE AND NEPHEW. I HAVE 2 SONS OF MY OWN(11,5). I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM AND WIFE. MY HUSBAND MAKES GREAT MONEY. WHEN IT WAS JUST US 4, MY KIDS DID NOT HURT FOR ANYTHING. THEY BEHAVED VERY WELL. NOW OUR LIFE HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I LOOK AT MY SONS AND I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM. THEY NOW HAVE TO SHARE THEIR PARENTS. TAKING CARE OF 4 KIDS IS EXPENSIVE AND MY SISTER IN LAW DOES NOT HELP US WITH ANYTHING EVEN THOUGH WE TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO HELP. I CANNOT WORK BECAUSE MY SON IS 5 AND THE SCHOOL TOLD US WE MADE TOO MUCH MONEY FOR HIM TO BE IN PRE-K. WE ARE MILITARY FAMILY AND WE CAN NOT BE DENIED PRE K CUZ OF INCOME. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE TO ENROLL. AND I HAVE MY 2 MONTH OLD NIECE. 2 KIDS IN DAY CARE SO I CAN WORK IS TOO EXPENSIVE SO I CHOOSE TO STAY HOME. I AM GOING CRAZY!!! WE BOUGHT A BIGGER HOME TO FIT EVERYONE IN SO MORTGAGE IS HIGHER AND UTILITIES ARE HIGHER. SINCE MY NIECE AND NEPHEW ARE NOT MINE HUSBAND CANNOT AD THEM TO TRICARE INSURANCE AND I CANNOT QUALIFY FOR MEDICAID BECAUSE HUSBAND MAKES TOO MUCH MONEY. IF MY SIS IN LAW HAD LOST PARENTAL RIGHTS THE KIDS WOULD QUALIFY FOR MEDICAID NO MATTER WHAT MY INCOME IS. BUT PROTECTIVE SERVICES PUT KIDS UNDER A FAMILY BASED PROGRAM SO I GET NO HELP. IF THE KIDS GET SICK, DOCTOR BILLS GET PAID FROM OUR POCKET. FORMULA IS 12-15$ A CAN AND I DO NOT QUALIFY FOR WIC. PROTECTIVE SERVICES HAS MADE IT SO EASY FOR MY SIS IN LAW BUT THEY HAVE MADE IT SO HARD FOR MY 2 SONS! WHAT DO I DO? DO I TELL PROTECTIVE SERVICES TO TAKE MY NIECE. I KNOW IT IS SELFISH FOR ME TO SAY BUT MY NEPHEW HAS BEEN WITH US FOR 16 MONTHS I DONT WANT HIM TO GO. BUT CARING FOR A BABY AND GETTING ATTACHED TO A BABY THAT WE WILL NOT KEEP IS TOUGH. IN THE LAST 2 MONTHS WE HAVE SPENT OVER 3000 ON MY NIECE. HER PARENTS CAN EVEN GET A CRIB AND PROTECTIVE SERVICES SAID THEY WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH A CRIB.I COULD NOT WAIT. WE HAVE BOUGHT EVERYTHING FOR HER AND MY KIDS ARE LEFT WITH OUT. DONT GET ME WRONG, MY SONS HAVE WHAT THEY NEED AND MOST OF ALL THEY HAVE OUR EVERLASTING LOVE. BUT HOW DO YOU TELL YOUR 11 YO SON HE CANNOT HAVE FRIENDS OVER CUZ MY 4 BR HOME IS TOO FULL. HOW DO U TELL YOUR 5 YR OLD NO ICE CREAM THIS WEEK BECASUE I HAVE ALREADY SPENT 600 FOR GROCERIES THAT WEEK. HOW DO I TELL MY 11 YO I CANNOT BUY HIM THE 200 DOLLAR IPOD HE WANTS EVEN THOUGH MY NEPHEW SECRETLY TOOK MY SONS IPOD TO SCHOOL AND IT WAS STOLEN. WHAT AM I DOING TO MY SONS. AT THIS POING I FEEL LIKE I HAVE FAILED MY SONS
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You aren't getting the support you need and deserve. I think that's why you are feeling the way you are. Anybody would. I am surprised to hear that social services is not paying for medical care and daycare. If you were a foster parent that would be payed for and you would also receive a stipend for expenses. I think you need to call social services and speak to someone about the drain this is on you. See if you can become a foster parent to these kids so that they can be receiving the help they really need. Social services should always place kids with family members when possible, but family members ought to get support.
As for your worry about your sons-- You are teaching them very importnat values here. The values of family, community, responsibility. This will give them way more than an ipod ever could. They will not be harmed by doing without luxuries so that others can have necessities and they will probably become better for it.
However, you are doing more than your fair share just by opening up your home. The state has to step in here with some cash and services. In my state, your sister-in-law would be paying child support. You might want to put the 2 month old in daycare so you have more time for your son. (Again, the state should pay) After all, you chose to be a stay at home mom for your kids, not for your sis-in-law's kids. If you get on their case a bit, they might get on hers. BTW why isn't she caring for her own kids?
I know what you are doing and going through is very hard, especially financially. It is harder on you than it is on the kids. Being a stay at home parent is difficult enough without taking on more responsibility.
I do not think you are hurting your kids in any way. In fact they may be learning something very important. Neither you nor they know it now but in the future I am sure they will realize what this time in life has done for them. It is hard for kids to do without the things their friends have and it is hard for you to not be able to give these things to them. But how important are possessions?
Remember if they have all they NEED. Housing, Food, clothes and plenty of love the material things are not important. Remember the saying The more you have, the more you have to loose. The only thing you truly have that you can not loose, no one can take away from you is the love of family. The only way that goes away is if you no longer want it.
Mark my words, in the years to come your kids will look back on this time and be proud for making some sacrifices for their cousins. They will be especially proud of you and your husband for taking on such a hard job and doing such a good job for them and their cousins. All the kids over time will become closer when your boys start to become proud for being there for the cousins and the cousins begin to know what your boys had to do without.
This is a task that God has given you. So remember his promise that he will give you nothing you cant handle. You are a strong woman with a strong faith. You can get through the hard times and the entire family will be the better for it.
Your boys are getting old enough to understand, so when they complain try talking to them about what life would be like for their cousins if they couldnt live with you. Would they have a loving home or a home at all?
Now for some of the expense, I dont know what diapers you use but what I used for Johnny was White Cloud from Wal-Mart. They were as good as any I tried and much less expensive. When I was in Oregon, WIC had Johnny on Enfamil when I came to Texas and was not yet on WIC I looked at the nutrition facts on formulas and found one in Wal-Mart with almost the same values but was almost half the costs. Bottom line is reed the labels and shop wise.
As for help, contact family services there should be some help for you. You are acting as a Foster Parent and should be entitled to all the help available to other Foster Parents. Contact the Attorney Generals office. If their parental rights have not been revoked they are financially responsible and the state of Texas will go after them.
I hope some of this helps. I also want you to know if I was close enough I would gladly come give you a days break. Since I am not I will give you my Prayers and support. If you ever need to talk, know I am here.
Bob
It would be worth it for you to go down to the family court in your county and file a petition for a child support order. You don't need a lawyer and it's pretty easy to do. Keep us posted and God bless.
Also, as someone else stated, your kids are learning a valuable lesson. We were brought up to help those who were less fortunate, while we gave to the food drives, clothing drives, toys for tots, etc...we never actually lived it. While you feel bad about not getting the iPod for your son now, he's not going to hold it against you forever. When he's older he's going to remember that he didn't get the iPod, but that his cousins got a better life.
You are also under a lot of stress right now. Your mom took the kids for you a couple weeks ago, is she able to do this for you on a regular basis? I know that that doesn't stop the money problems, but it will give you sanity time and make your head more clear to make decisions.
Hang in there, its bound to get better. You have a big heart.
maggie
Hang in there and GOD BLESS!