Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of big kids (5 to 8 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.

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deleted_user 12/04/2007

Okay I need help. We are having a problem with my future step daughter wetting her pants at school. She has the last 2 days..

Bascially we think it might be becasue she has only been in our full time care for the last two weeks. We removed her from her home of 5 years because of negative conduct.

When i asked her last night what she is feeling when she does that? and she said she is sad. and I asked hy she was sad and it comes back to a phone coversation she had with her step-grandmother last week when she told her that her "old friends at school miss her".

I am so confused and I feel bad.. Me being a first time mom at this fragle stage I dont know what to do?? '

I know this is a big change for her?

And the grandparents arent making this easy on us. They are taking us to court for court ordered visitation on the 26th of december. Bascially we are hiring an attorney because we agree with what they want but we dont want it court ordered. (she doesnt know about any of this) we are trying to make this as positive as possible around her for her sake.

I am just venting because I am in the middle of all of this and I am scared for the childs sake. They know how to get to her and if they are granted that I dont know what they would do to her in a weekend :( :(

Any thoughts?

Thank you

deleted_user 12/04/2007

WOW you are wonderful. Saving a child!! Keep the good work you are doing GOOD. Taking to her and asking her why is the way to go.

She is feeling under stress and that is the reason why she is having accidents.

It at all possible keep her out of the abuse family and protect her with unconditional love that is she needs.

Tell her that love her that way she is even with accidents and you will see a big change.

I have an autistic son that wets his pens all the time but I love his the way he is and he is making amazing progress

deleted_user 12/04/2007

My five year old (he was four at the time) changed schools a couple of months ago. He had quite a few accidents the first month...I think it's a common thing when a child has to deal with a significant change...maybe she's not comfortable telling her new teachers when she needs to go potty- maybe she's afraid she'll get in trouble or something and automatically relates that feeling to the environment she was in before she was with you...You'd be surprised how much difference a little bit of love and structure can make in a child's life...even if she's still exposed to surroundings that aren't as healthy...I admire you for being there for her...a lot of people couldn't do it- or would be resentful. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers :)

Thriver 12/04/2007

Can you get an agreement for visitation through a mediator rather than court ordered? Most courts prefer this anyway. Ask your lawyer. In that agreement you can mention the ways that people make children feel bad and that neither party will do these things. Such as bad-mouthing.
Just say to her, every day. "we love you just the way you are".
Good luck.

Thriver 12/04/2007

PS after any contact with the grandparents, take some time to debrief her. Get her to tell you what was said, in an interested but not interrogating way. If they have said passive-aggressive things, tell her that and why you think that is wrong. You can do it without badmouthing, just reframe it. Just say, "Maybe she said that because she thought it would make you feel good to think that they still miss you." If the child disagrees, go with her feeling. She may know that the grandmother said it, to make the fact that she moved, negative.
If she kind of leads you there, you can acknowledge that the g-mom said it to make her feel bad, 'because they want you too, but the best place for you, is with us, and we love you very much. You can stay with us always" or something like that. Try to affirm her feelings but make the end result positive. It's not easy!

deleted_user 12/04/2007

Hi Nikki, I can't really comment on the grandparent/family aspect of the issue but as far as the school side is concerned, my son went through this the first month of school, sit down with her teacher and find out how things are going in class, I did this with my sons teacher and she let me know that part of the problem in the beginning was he was just so nervous being in a new situation that he was just afraid to let the teacher know he needed to go. I also asked her to try and remind him when they changed tasks if he needed to go, to go. As time went by he relaxed more and the problem stopped. Maybe you need to let her teacher know about the issue with the grandparents, so she can tell you about any other issues she might be having in class. Good luck and God Bless.

deleted_user 12/04/2007

Yeah I had a talk with her this morning... I told her its okay to ask the teacher to go potty. That no matter what she was doing I know the teacher would understand if she had to go to the bathroom. I also had a talk with her before school teachers and let them know the situation.

All I can tell her is that we love her very much.

Along with the phone conversations, I put the phone on speaker so I know what is said. But i let her do the talking.

deleted_user 12/05/2007

I don't know what to say about court, etc. But regarding wetting pants, she has been through a lot of changes lately and is probably distracted and trying to adjust to a new teacher, new classmates, new schedule, etc. as well as dealing with feelings about her old school and former living situation. I think it's almost normal that she's wetting her pants! Talk to her teacher that has her when this is happening so she can issue reminders. I think this will pass shortly.

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