This is quite long - I'm sorry.

A couple of years ago, my sister and I were on a major expressway that is always congested. It was at night, and she was driving in the middle lane. (I can feel a panic attack coming on even as I type this.) She was going about 65 mph, and the cars in the left lane were going much faster. It was quite congested and there was barely over one car-length between cars. As I happen to glance into the passengers side mirror, I saw a huge semi coming up on us in the right lane. (Halfway to a panic attack writing this. Sweating badly, stomach is cramped up, lightheaded and my fingers are freezing cold.) In the car I immediately got all of my signs of a panic attack. Not having had a full blown attack in a while it was horrible. I told her she needed to pull over, but she couldnt. She couldnt get around the semi, and she tried slowing down but it was car after car after car behind it. She couldnt get to the left either. She just kept saying relax, Ill get over when I can but I needed to get out of that car n-o-w. I had to do everything in my power to keep my hands down because I obviously had lost my mind momentarily - - the "mind" that WAS there was so disoriented that I wanted to grab the wheel and pull off, no matter what we would have hit. At 70 mph. On the expressway. That is NOT me. I have no idea what part of my brain would put lives in danger because I needed to get out of the car.

On any other given day my common sense is remarkable and most definitely one of my best qualities. It was the scariest day Ive had in a long time (since the last panic attack, really) But this is the first one that Ive had that lives were put in jeopardy. Literally minutes later (hours, what it seemed to me) she was back in the right lane and slowly my attack ended. She looked over to find me on the floor of the car, with my hands behind my back and under my legs. I couldnt let myself have my arms out. No chances to grab the wheel. I was shaking and drenched in sweat under my coat. I had this incredible need all out cry and release it all, but already felt so embarrassed that I tried to hold back. She was shocked that I was having panic attacks again. I told her that I didnt know where it came from and I couldnt believe that it happened out of the blue. When we got home just about 25 minutes later, I was exhausted. It was like I just ran a marathon. I went right to bed. And I never told anyone about the wheel.

We went on a couple of short trips recently (family lives 2 1/2 hours away), and my husband (who is very supportive) had to drive in the right lane the whole time. I still had panic attacks almost the whole way there but I was able to sit in back with my kids. I also took a small dose of Xanax which helped just a little, but I find after taking it my attacks seem more frequent... I'm afraid I'll never be able to drive on the highway again. No more visiting family? I can't imagine that. I will see my doctor about taking something like zoloft, but I don't know if it will be able to make a difference.

Again, sorry this was so long.