I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. There is quite the age difference between us being over 20 years. I am absolutely in love with him and i know if i lost him i wouldn't be able to live another day. He is an angel and does absolutely everything to help me. The confessing\compulsions started in my early teen years. I would admit to things always to my mom even if i just said a swear. Then it turned into i couldn't do anything sexual ever because it made me guilty. I've always been attracted to older men and i never though Shawn(my boyfriend) and I would be able tobe happy together due to family not approving but they saw how happy we made eachother and so they approved. We got really close and the only time I'm truly happy is with him but now i cant be around him without constant anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I've convinced myself I'm a sexual deviant and i absolutely hate myself. I think I'm a bad person. My mom is my other beatfriend and she tells me it's a mix of my ocd and being in a first real serious relationship. Everythin was perfect with my love until the thoughts and compulsions moved from my mom to him... It started with noticing any "flaws" he has even though they didn't truly bother me, i just felt guilty for noticing and not telling him. I pretty much moved on from that after destroying him. It destroyed me knowing i hurt him so much. Then it turned into a ton of what if thoughts for example what if i cant control myself in a sexual situation...what if i want to leave him in 10 years becauase i dont know what it will be like to be with someone so much older. I love him soooooooo much i would die for him in a second. Then thoughts about what if i want to flirt with others and it all becomes real. Like sure im capable of these things but what if i want them or cant control myself. Even typing this is pushing me over the edge. I just want to be a good person and truly love him forever. I feel like since i thought it, it must be true. What if im a cheater. What if i cheat. What if i flirt. What if i wanna flirt. What if i want to be with someone elaw but obviously i wouldn't. I've been section 12ed several times due to suicidal thoughts from my distressing thoughts. I'm convinced i cant be helped. Ill never be able to be happy with him because im a bad person. The sexual intrusions are strong. Ican hardly walk by a guy without feeling like I'm cheating. I've been on tons of meds and today they actually prescribed lithium, klonopin and several other medications. I cant get past the thoughts of what if i want to flirt. I hate myself im suffering i can hardly breathe.
What can I do to help with my anxiety feeling uncontrollable when I am tired? I have noticed that I have frequent anxiety attacks because I am very tired but I have things to do so I can't take a nap.
As I write this I'm having a panic attack. My heart is racing, I'm hypersensitive & my eyes feel wide as heck. It's weird because I took a Xanax like an hour ago & I feel this way! I don't like to take that med unless I need it and I felt the anxiety beast coming on. Obviously, the beast took over! Anyway, my thoughts like to tell me that something is WRONG. I don't know what that wrong is but my...