Out of the Fog Community Group

For those who are done with their affair and want to make things better. Please be respectful of others in your posts. Rants, tirades, replies that are off topic, etc. will be deleted.

0 Online
0 Online

Types of Affairs

I found an interesting article for social workers on how to deal w/ couples in the aftermath of an affair. I liked the fact it came from the outside perspective and hightlight different types of affairs and the best type of counselor's too outsource them too.

"Donâ??t assume that all affairs are alike. They vary in terms of motivations and behavior patterns. Generally, affairs fall into one of the following types:

â?¢ Conflict avoidance â?? The partners are afraid to address differences and lack the skills to do so. Their differences remain unresolved and they drift apart.

â?¢ Intimacy avoidance â?? The partners avoid getting too close for fear of being swallowed up. They relate emotionally through conflict. If both partners are having affairs, they are probably this type.

â?¢ Split self â?? Characterized by an internal split between the rational self that values family and attempts to do what is â??right,â?? and the emotional self which has been suppressed since early childhood. These are the serious, long-term affairs.

â?¢ Sexual addiction â?? The betraying partner uses sex to numb internal pain and fill up the inner emptiness. The betrayed partner enables.

â?¢ Exit â?? A decision has already been made to end the relationship, and the affair is used as an exit strategy.

Conflict and intimacy avoiders benefit most from couples therapy, and if needed, individual therapy. Split selves need individual therapy to heal the internal split that is being played out through the affair. Sexual addicts who are willing to seek help need to be in a program for treatment of sexual addiction."

http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/may200cover.htm

Replies

FrankTheGreat
FrankTheGreat

Conflict avoidance was what led to my stbx's affair.

In fact, conflict avoidance describes her overall very well.

I, on the other hand, am a litigator by profession. I fight with people for a living. I'm not afraid of conflict, and at times, relish it. I'm even good at it.

That part of me made my stbx very uncomfortable. It ran counter to how she wanted to live her life.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I suppose I fall into the split self category. What do you think Pixie, knowing what you do of my situation?
deleted_user
deleted_user

JNS, If I had to pick a category for you I'd most likely go with Split Self. Your OM very literally came from your youth and was your first love... lost due to distance and obligations.

I think of the split self as representing two parts of ourselves, two paths that we see happiness down the road if we choose to follow it or atleast uncertainity regarding which is the "right" choice.

I agree with your assessment, though not certain why you picked it.

lol

I have little insight into my own affair. I can see bits and pieces of my affair(s) in each of the categories. I don't think I fall under intimacy affairs or exit affairs though. Never feared getting too close nor wanted to end the relationships.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think my wife's affair was a split-self affair. Other couples looked up to us and by all accounts, we were a happy family. My ambitions are greater than hers and I suppose that took an unexpected toll.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I was definitely using the affair as an exit strategy. But.. I wasn't looking for him to pull me out of the fire either.

Wait a minute... was there a " Doesn't give a fuck anymore" adulterer?? Because if so, that was me.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh wow. I just read an article about the spit self affair and I'm pretty much text book description of the betraying partner in that type of affair.

Yuck!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Where is the article at? I guess I could just google it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

http://books.google.com/books?id=qco0WSl4wKsC&pg=PA55&lpg=PA55&dq=Split+Self+Affair&source=web&ots=a_tLJ4GBAq&sig=0EsyenF8DgO4pEyWDNG1thd7OVA&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=3&ct=result#PPA68,M1

it's a long one
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks Pixie. I was interested in reading that as well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Kelly, I too am of the "Don't give a fuck anymore" type. Yep, that was me

hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user

Here's a "fun" test to see which category of affair type you most likely fall under. I ran the numbers as percents so this is what I got.

50% Sexual Addict
80% Split Self
30% Conflict &
28% Intimacy.

http://www.affairs-help.com/married.html

Okay, promise, no more links after this one. I just was surprised that they could put affairs into categories and that therapy was determined by which group you fell under. I wonder if my therapist ever heard of this and that's why he keeps diswaying me from couples therpy?? Or maybe I give him more credit than he deserves. lol
deleted_user
deleted_user

Quick!

Does oral 3 wks after you got married at the tender age of 19 count as an affair????
deleted_user
deleted_user

OK.. if I would have read the directions I would of seen that it does indeed count one night stands...

And I was right! Dr. Brown agreed that I has an "exit affair"

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point. Another "equal opportunity" affair.

But how did you get those %s?
deleted_user
deleted_user

I don't know which I am? Either conflict avoidance or split self. Can you be both? Maybe just bad genes? Maybe it was my mothers faul? Can't I blame someone?
deleted_user
deleted_user

Me & H just looked at the split self stuff and did agree it sounded like me, however, we read on and were not impresses. Reminded me of my dad spending years trying to 'find himself' and after 30 years of searching, still think he hasn't quite figured it out. I'm not wasting my time trying to find myself. I'm just going to work on loving my H and working out my marriage so we can enjoy the next30 years together.