On April 22nd and April 29, 2006, I slept with a man besides my husband. I was already an emotional cheater with this man, but we became physical on those two days. I wish I didnt remember the dates. I dont know why I do. As the dates approach, I feel this heaviness settling on me. It feels so strange. There is a lot of sadness and a lot of wishing I could turn back time. But one of the most troubling things is that the details of what went on seem to creep into my head when I least expect it. I cant bear to picture or remember those things. They make me feel physically ill. I see his face and hear his voice and I cant stand it. I wish it would stop. I think about all the steps that led to the affair: the friendship, the innuendos, the racy emails, the discussion of mutual attraction, spending too much time together, and then that first fateful visit to the apartment to watch a movie. My husband bought me a treadmill for Christmas, and I am so glad. Even walking outside on my regular routes would be painful because I would remember thinking of him or texting him while on those sidewalks. I dont want to hurt my husband by dredging all this up. I am even feeling that feel like a fool thing again because I fell for the OM, and he basically saw me as a friend with benefits no romantic feelings at all. Anyway, this is a heavy burden right now, and I just needed someone else to listen and know about it so I am not alone.
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