You may get some answers to this if you read the"Tell me about the fog" discussion. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.

it sounds like an addiction, yes. one that she hasn't decided to put down. but to be with you she must. she has to stop. she can't be with you fully if she's still in a relationship with him, which she is if they are communicating. there's no justification for that.

My H did this to me for a couple of months,
he didnt keep the agreement of NO CONTACT!

This really does hurt, and im sorry you are having to experience this..
You both have made an agreement to reconcile.. keep reminding her.. you are making a new start.. in doing so, she must stop all contact.
Make her promise you.. Look into her eyes, and ask for a promise..

If she breaks the promise.. then you will have to encounter that as it comes.. She either wants to move forward, or keep destroying a beautiful marriage... Tell her this.. Ask her what she wants...???

I know you have to be persistant.. Dont give her much room to wiggle.. you know what i mean.. She has to focus on whats most important..
Ask her what is most important to her?????? If its you & the family.. then tell her what she must do to prove it!

Another suggestion.. cancel email address, change phone numbers.. get new phones, put spyware on the computer.. or destroy it.. See what efforts she is willing to put forth for you & the family.. She either wants you or she she doesnt.. look into her eyes, and get the answers you need, and corner her if you must.. be persistant.. giving her space, or whatever doesnt work.. just leaves wiggle room.. and room for the OP to keep focus on them.. room to be weak..

Be strong, do it for both of you, and make her face the consequences,
sacrifices must be made at once..

NO CONTACT!!! Insist on it!!!
You have more influence than you may understand.. especially if she has stated that she still loves you.

Bye the way: I moved 1000 miles away from a state I grew up in.. Friends, Family..

I destroyed my computer, I smashed it to smitherines.. I destroyed anything that reminded me of that BS.. I burned clothing, ect..

I'll do whatever it takes for whats most important to me.. and thats My Husband & My Children.. I will never allow stress, people, or anything to allow me to lose that focus again..

Feel free to contact me anytime, if I can help

Thanks for your comments SVD. When I first found out and got over the inital shock and then forgave her. It was as you said it should be, I made her promise me that she would never contact him again. And she promised.

Needless to say, I quickly learned that was not the case. I won't bore you with the details but this happened several times over the next week or so. She would promise it was over and that she would never contact him again and then I would find out (I did what you suggested and put software on my computer to track her). The last time this happened was on Sunday and I finally had enough. I asked her to leave and she understood and complied. I thought that was it, that I couldn't take any more. I thought for sure I would be divorcing her. But... I love her so much! I eventually cooled down and told her that I wasn't making any decisions yet (we're in counseling...only one session so far). I told her to "do what she has to do" to get this guy out of her life once and for all. This was to be only communication be it text, phone or email. I've made it clear that I will not tolerate any further physical contact. So I guess, in some ways, I'm asking for it but I couldn't take any more lies, deceit and betrayal. I couldn't handle the all-consuming paranoia I felt as I would drive to her office and search her car or listen to a tape recorder I left in the house when she worked from hom! I figured she may as well just do it and hopefully get it over with!

Your wife is deep in the fog now. The only thing you must do immediately is begin the 180 on her. There's posts in Infidelity forum that tell you how to do that. You must begin to act with self-respect and show value of YOU.

She needs to feel the repercussions of her affair, which means the real possibility of losing her marriage. Until then she will not wake up from affair fog. It's a very powerful fog to be in, and it takes shocking reality to emerge from it.

You are being too good and too patient. That will not work here. NO CONTACT is a must to even begin to reconcile, and since she isn't doing that then she is telling you she has no intention of reconciling with you. Please begin the 180 and then see where you are. You don't deserve what she's doing.

BIG HUG

MrS,

Im sorry to hear you seperated.. I can understand.. but I just dont feel seperation is a good thing, because It leaves wiggle room.. every day/night she is away, she is not in reality.. and the reality is what she needs most right now.. even tho its uncomfortable. If she is saying that she still wants her marriage, then plese get her back home to reality.. face the uncomfortableness, and make her face the reality, and the consequences.. Let there also be positivity, and love.. let her know how much you love her, and that you will stay at her side, but that you wont allow her to destroy you any longer.. tell her "You are hurting me" "Dont you care that you are hurting me"
Keep asking her what she really wants.. and I agree that many of the suggestion in the 180 are helpful too.. but I think persistance is important to pull them out of the fog.. if she truely wants you, and her marriage, then she will later thank you for your strength, and your persistance.. My husband thanks me over and over.. :-)
I was very, very persistant, and I wouldnt let our dream die w/out a good fight.. I wanted him to atleast know how much he truely meant to me, and that I would not abandone him. But at the same time, I told him he was to keep his promise to me.. and would have some self respect.. i ask him to go and look in the mirror.. and he did..
I look in that mirror everyday, and keep one nearby.. not because im vain..lol.. but to make sure im being a person to be proud of today..

Thanks so much guys! I really appreciate your comments. How do I find "180"?

I guess I feel like the ultimatum thing didn't work before so why would it work now? She's told me that now that she can communicate with him "unhindered", it's not as exciting. She told me that all they do is argue when they speak. So why not end it right? She can't give me a good answer to that.

She goes to see our counselor today and I've also encouraged her to take the joint session we had set up on Friday for herself. I'm hoping that the counselor can help her figure out why she can't let go. I will try to hold off on any pressure tactics at least until she has talked with the counselor once or twice.

Use the Search area on the right hand side at the top of the page, and put in 180, and it should appear..

Maybe the councelor can get through to her,
The councelor did help us alot.. and helped my husband most of all.

After I confessed my affair, I did attempt to communicate with the om. I always got caught. I think that what did it was my husband saying, if you contact him again, you will leave. he wasn't going to leave because he hadn't done anything. He was going to kick me out. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he would do it. That scared me enough to quit.

My H kept sleeping with the OW for another month after I found out that what he said was just a friendship was actually an affair. Then he continued to communicate with her for another 8 months (mostly email and phone calls) until it finally wore itself out and she showed her true colors (bitch).

He always said he loved me and wanted to be with me, didn't want to be with her, knew it was infatuation, would stop eventually and was just running its course. I tried ultimatums. For some it just fuels the fire like Romeo and Juliet and the lure of forbidden love. Everyone said that "no contact" should be the rule including our counselor but I feared that he would always wonder what might have been if I forced an ending. Now he knows what might have been and we are doing really well.

Those infatuation chemicals need to wear off. If I had left him, and believe me I tried a few times, he would have been left to her manipulative, scheming, overpowering mercy and she would probably be living in my house right now.

My advice - don't sacrifice your self respect and take care of yourself, but don't rage, demand or give ultimatums. Maybe you should tell her that while she does this you also want to have some "special friends". That was a real wake up call for my H. The notion that other men might end up doing to me what he had done with her scared him straight and the sex part stopped. Unfortunately the contact continued until he got it out of his system. Good luck.

I have not contacted the OM for three months and everyday it gets easier and I am more sure I never will.
It is like an obsession and your wife probably is sure when she is with you that she won't contact him and then when she is away from you she gets that intense craving.
Be there for her, be her friend, strength, show her that you love her. Get her to read about emotional affairs. Help her to understand that she needs to stop all communication with him and let her know you'll help her. My H told me to call him anytime while I was at work and he'd meet if I needed strength. I also used the internet to read about affairs everytime I felt weakness (didn't know about this site then, would have helped).
At the same time let her know that you need her to think of your feelings and that you need her to commit to this.

Not only is it an addiction, but it's even more wrong to keep doing this to you. I responded well to an ultimatum: quit contact or my wife would leave me. It also helped to have a counselor give me the push I needed to break it off for good. It's terrible that your wife can be this cruel to you. Perhaps her mind is still so deep in the fog that she doesn't even realize how cruel it is. She doesn't want to be mean to the person (the OM) who made her feel so good about herself. The problem is that now she's being doubly mean to you, too.

the EXACT same things are going on with my husband..the communication between them is unreal (up to 15 calls a day) and calling it an addiction hits it right on. I get told that I'm loved too...but..I also have a hard time believing that. Good Luck to you...

It hasn't ended with him until she stops ALL contact. Don't be played like this...she's already made a fool of you. I found out about my wife's affair just over 2 months ago and I can tell you, promises mean nothing. After all, she made a vow before all of our friends and family and she didn't keep that promise, so why would I expect her to keep other promises. Don't ask her to promise anything. Just tell her what it will take for her to have a relationship with you. Write down exactly what it will take, and again, don't ask her to promise that she'll do or not do these things. Just watch her actions. If her actions are not in line with what you expect from a relationship, why would you let her stay.

Someone else suggested the 180 exercises. I'd do these in a heart beat.