Actually yesterday when Tre' was in time out and his things took, I was speaking to him calmly and he said why are you being nice to me.
Weird you bring this up : )

I am going through a recommended intervention with him and have seen some really great results in just four days. Last night he was telling himself to calm down because he sees how calm I am. What a difference it has made. At least he cannot threaten me for being so nice to him :)

I have talked to my son in a very calm voice for about 6 months when he's screaming and he gets more mad cause i don't let him see my frustration, and i just put him in timeout and walk away rather than barganing, cause barganing could get us parents into a lot of trouble!

I have to agree with fmom on this one. I talk calmly until I am blue in the face, and it just makes my son madder.

Thanks for the response. It is so interesting to see how each child responds differently to interventions. My son has seen, through this, that he no longer controls my emotions. I am in control of myself and therefore modeling the behavior that I would like him to adopt. This is why they get so angry when you decide to not feed into their desire to see you out of control. I will keep you posted. So far so good.

I also use this technique, begun as a part of a therapy routine. Yes, at first my daughter got madder...in which case I just evry calmly walked away from her. Sometiems she would follow, even throw tantrums (she's almost 10), but I would stay calm and just walk away. After a few short weeks, if I started to walk away she would immediately calm herself, and correct her behavior.

Don't get spooked by their getting madder at first... in the long run I think it a really helpful approach. it also helps train us, the parents, not to escalate. Michelle

Thanks michj. It has been only four days and I have already seen a decrease in his angry outbursts at home. It is nice to know that you had some success with this as well. Let me tell you, it was so hard the first two days to stay calm but I worked through it and now I am determined. ODD brings out the worst in everyone surrounded by it. I hope to lessen the impact by using these skills and others.

I sometimes wish my son would yell. He rarely yells at anyone, it's the pretending to cry without a tear,the constant manipulation, lying and the poor me syndrome that drives me the craziest. You never ever get to see a real feeling coming from him. Outside of manipulating, he is just flat emotionally.

The therapist has taught me to "disengage" when she is being nasty instead of getting drawn into her arguments when I would often end up yelling. It's taken a while, but I'm better at doing that now. He told me that she has learned to feel love from me when I am yelling at her or by getting my negative reaction (weird, huh?) and that we need to deprive her of that so she'll start seeking positive attention. We're seeing that start to work.

My son Jack is the same way. He is 6. His therapist has diagnosed him with O.D.D. She has been telling me to use positive reinforcement. However, my son feels that he can manipulate my positive remarks into bribery. If I don't use threats, stern voices and simply smother him with kindness...he will look at me and say..GET AWAY FROM ME...I HATE YOU. 6 year old's do NOT talk like this!! I have 2 other boys. They are 91/2 and 11. He is the main center of strife in our home. I need help! But..yes, talking nicely to him seems to make him angry and he makes it very well apparent!!! :(

Since my husband and I have calmed down the rages and abuse have slowed as well. Every now and then we do get "caught" and things get ugly very fast and I end up getting hurt. What my daughter's therapist says is that my daughter thinks she deserves the yelling and spanking (not that we do that anymore for more than 5 years) and it is usually brought on by frustration.

The talking back and yelling, this is better than destroying the house and hitting. Children with ODD do not have the same coping mechanisms as some other children. If your 9/11 year old kids have never yelled at you or talked back that is great but you can't compare them with your six year old. If you try really hard to ignore it or just walk away when he starts telling you to shut up would that help?

To Kelly97...wait a sec..are you talking to me about my children? I don't mean any disrespect...but I am here for positive help and support...not your parenting advice....no offense...I do not spank my children. All children talk back and I was not stating that my 9/11yr olds don't either....I will post my story ....so then you can see the whole light of it...

I'm sorry if I offended you in any way it certainly is not my intention. Good luck with your family.