Wow sounds like you have your hands full. We have daughter who has ODD/ADD.she is also going to be gettingtested for Aspergers. as far as keeping it calm, you just really have to have a routine, and keep things pretty low key/ hopefully you have a understanding family that can be a great support system for you and understand why you may choose to leave early from a family function if your child is getting frustrated, a routine is very important. and even though rules sometimes do not work, there needs to be rules and consequences. very hard anda lot of work, but if you can get things rolling in the right direction it is easier, although there are days where no matter what nothing works and you just survive until bedtime, some good books to read and get some ideas from are .( If My kid's so nice why's he driving me crazy? by Dr.James Sutton ) the other one is The defiant child a parents guide to Oppositional defiant disorder by Dr. Douglas A.Riley) I read both of theses and get some really good ideas. also have a good counselor and someplace you can go and talk someone about what you deal with on a daily basis, not everyone is understanding of these kids and you will need to vent, also make sure the yare getting good support at school, it is a matter of a lot trial and error until you find what works for you, good luck and welcome to this site.

My advice.....learn to parent without the word no. Instead of saying no...phrase things without using that word. That always sets my son off.
Try using a point system that works best for your child. I've gone through several of them but the boys town method seems to work the best.

thank you so much for the advise! Any advise is excepted i really am just trying to figure out where to start!

what is the boys town method?

Everything is based on points. They get points for everything from the beginning of the day to the end of the day. They can trade points in for small stuff, or they can keep the points to "buy" better stuff.
Whenever they don't do what they are supposed to a certain amount of points is taken away therefore reducing what they can earn. They use this in my sons class at school also. It really works well when he is stable.
When I say everything, I do mean everything. For example, if my son asks for something and does it in a polite acceptable way he earns points. If he says "I want this now" then he gets points taken away because he did not communicate in an acceptable way.
You can type in boys town and it should bring up the website online.

thank you so much i am going to look that up you are all very helpfull and i appreciate it so much hugs to you all!

my son has been dx with adhd and odd he is really becoming violent and he is really trying my last nerve and i only get one a day . i understand how you feel hang in there

hay nsmith it is going to be a long hall for the lot of us but we will all get through it with a little help and the best thing is the support at home but it is hard when you don't get it or you have an adult who will not talk to the child with respect and that is the only way they are going to learn to respect is to be shown it. i am just going crazy lately and if anyone needs someone to talk to just type away.I am not too far away.
Well good luck all and talk too you all soon.