I feel proud of myself that I can actually discuss this. There was a moment a few years ago that almost ended my life over this exact issue. I was so afraid that I committed the unpardonable sin that I would pace and pray for hours after my family would go to bed. I thought the mere thought of rejecting the Holy Ghost was the same as actually doing it. I had briefly heard someone say that on a tv show and the phrase got stuck in my head. I would chant over and over in my mind, "I do not reject" and then my head would start up with the rejecting phrase. It was almost like a two headed discussion in my head. And I was trying to drown it out. I would say the "I do not reject" phrase in the shower, while eating, while praying, while being intimate with my husband. It was a constant battle. I would hit myself to distract my thoughts. One night of horrible torment, the bible teaching of if the right hand offends you, cut it off, if the right eye offends you pluck it out, and I cried out that my mind was offending me and I would rather put the gun in my mouth than to offend God. That's when I realized I had to get help. I found my peace through talking with my church, counseling, medication, and self-research. I came to the conclusion that I am a child of God. When I put myself in a parent-child relationship, I realized that as a parent, if my daughter came to me in such terror and distress, I would never think of punishing her. I would instinctively protect her and love her. How much greater can the love of God be? That is how I found my peace. I still struggle. I still try not to say the phrases, but if it happens, I know what it is and that not every thought comes from within. And not every fleeting moment is a thought that carries intent. I hope this helps someone.
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