I wonder sometimes if my OCD hasn't morphed somehow into GAD. I still get really obsessed about things, but they aren't typical of OCD. Like, I never wonder if the house will burn down. I don't feel compelled to check and recheck things. I've had some of that, but not so much now. I don't have the kinds of fantasies that lead me to think I'll kill someone or myself. I still count sometimes and I still have the need for symmetry, but I don't associate disaster with it and I can usually resist. Instead, my obsessions are often with an idea or a regret or something I want for myself or my family. I feel completely inept in the world and dissociated from normal society. I feel that if people knew how boring I am because of my anxiety, they would laugh at me. But it seems sometimes that OCD is directly related to things that are associated with feelings of pending disaster or dread. I just don't have that much any more. I guess the closest thing would be my feeling that I should tell John to drive carefully every time he goes to work. I guess that's the closest thing now. That and I dwell on the past a lot. I mean a lot. In fact, when I say I'm having a spike, it's usually about some regret or some past incident I can do nothing about and I feel that everything is ruined because of it. I feel that I've somehow done my entire life wrong because of a bad decision. I'm trying to get over it. I've done it all, just about. I've had almost every symptom with the exception of germaphobia. Even that a little. But can it just morph? Can it just cease to become OCD and be something entirely different or do the chemicals never really change, you just deal with them another way? It feels like I have to follow "the rules" to say I really have OCD. Maybe I could downgrade? Or is GAD a downgrade? Maybe it isn't. OK, never mind. I have OCD. I know it. I'll stick with that. Can you have both? And WHY DO I CARE????
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