It is hard to not think about your partners past sometimes. Just don't let it get you down. Remember the past is the past. If you want to be with her, you have to look forward.

I think it's very ocd. The thing is, unless you've been a very very good boy, you probably have a past as well. Comparing the two may be very unproductive, but then, that's what ocd does. It grabs hold of the most compelling thoughts and then asks you to examine them over and over. Maybe just forgive yourself first for having the thoughts which are, after all, only trying to protect you. Then remember that nobody's perfect, including you and your girlfriend. I doubt that will make the thoughts disappear, but maybe it will help you cope. I feel for you.

i am slpa-my problem is similar but i obsess about my past mistakes and errors and can't seem to be able to let them go back into god's hands- they have also caused me to mess up my current health by avoidaqnce activities and inability to describe what happened and know whether is is relavent or not-has been an issue since my teens but first brakdown wasin my thirties-three years ago i had another strept b bladder infection with a whole bunch of other health issues and the past came out-only even more than before was remembered-please forgive your girlfriend or talk to her-go to counselling if it is eating you up. ocd doesn't want to give up easy-i've come to the conclusion that without GOD"S help i don't know how i'll be freed-slpa

I know this sounds simplistic, but each and every time these thoughts come...make yourself think of something else..preferably something you are happy about. If you really work at it...the thoughts gradually stop...well..it worked for me anyway. This also works when unpleasant thoughts of the past pop up. After many horrible ramblings into past memories..now i just refuse to let myself dwell on them...i stop myself right away as soon as one comes. You probably won't find anyone with out a past as i'm sure you realise and it sounds like you wouldn't want to lose your gf. So just be firm but gentle with yourself and don't allow these thoughts into your head.

hi. i don't want to offer advice. i don't really have any. i'm also trying to figure out how to stop obsessing over my g/f's activities.

what i can say is that i COMPLETELY understand your pain! i am in a similar situation. my g/f's sexual past is very different from mine and i have felt threatened by it particularly because she has stayed in contact with friends who she had had one nighters with.

i'd asked her to limit her contact with them and she did. 3 years later when someone in the present day came to threaten us for real... they had flirts and she experienced sexual energy with her... she couldn't honor my request when i asked her to please hold off on this 'friendship' until we get in a more stable place... we were in a lot of stress at that time...

so my point is that after asking her repeatedly and her agreeing to limit contact with those 'friends' (none of who even lived in my state, btw!) ... when it really mattered, when it was someone here and now... she was already too burned out. her resentment had grown with having agreed from fear of losing me, upsetting me... hindsight is 20/20!

neither of us knew she was brewing inside.

so i exploded in fury when she told me that she was going to maintain this friendship. and told her to move out in a rage.

4 months later i had a revelation that the intensity of my anger was about my father that i had dumped on her unfairly. the anger that had to do with her is much more manageable. i'm angry at not feeling important enough, at her putting that relationship before ours, at her lack of compassion, at my not feeling heard or recognized or acknowledged... all my same childhood wounds have been getting reopened all my life.. but never this intensely.

what's important to know is that i'm working at understanding how much of this is my self-sabotage... my deep-rooted belief that by not being familiar with a loving, trusting, honest relationship i don't feel that i deserve one... so i was, subconsciously i believe, determined to make this relationship fulfill what i am familiar with... betrayal, suspicion, hurt, etc. and i know this to be true to the extent that this time the amount of rage in me was clearly bigger than what was merited... i know this to be true to the extent that i can see how determined i was to hold on to my righteous anger. i was walking around in fury feeling righteous, justified... thinking, subconciously, 'yeah, i'm all that. she ain't gonna f*ck with me. noone treats me that way and gets away with it...!'

truth is it didn't matter how much she stretched... noone was EVER going to be what i needed... i was going to make sure of that... cuz it was more important for me to feel righteous, mistreated, angry, justified with ending it... same old story i'd experienced with every other ex... there's always some truth in our feelings... the trick is to figure out what has to really do with today and what has to do with childhood. what helped me the most was my therapist guiding me to be in the anger with my father and imagine what size container it would need to be kept in. then we did the same for the anger with my g/f. wow! it was a powerful experience. it was the first time ever i'd been able to separate the past from the present. my anger for my father doesn't even fill the universe... the anger for my g/f only needs a small office.

at the time i didn't know how to separate the two. i just couldn't see clearly. now i can see better.

now i'm obsessing about that 'friend' from four months ago. they're still in contact. she has reassured me that it's nothing important... my gut or my habitual fearful thinking tells me that it isn't that innocent. i can't stop thinking about it and it is making me sick! literally. i don't know how to stop it yet... her and i are still in contact. her stuff is still here. we're trying to remain loving. and all i want to know is what is going on with them and what are they doing and how often are they talking and how close are they getting and how platonic are they and how flirty are they and ... etc etc.

well, i hope some of this has sparked some insight for you... that is what i can offer best... my experience... you are not alone!