Hi, I am 21 years old and I want to share this story. Somehow I started to get huge anxiety in sports lessons in school and from then it became worse. I changed school due to bad grades and in that new school I had no friends and HUGE anxiety. It was so bad that my mouth was always dry and I couldn't eat anything. You know poor vision, eye strain, underweight and health problems. I was there from 8th to 10th class and I at least finished this school. Now I'm in the next school and things are well... they are better for sure and much less annoying. Now I can keep my grades good. Soon I will finish this school and go studying.
So during that time I was in 8th to 10th grade in that school I got an underweight of only 55 kg as a male from 16 to 19 years old. That is very low, I think. Then I got sent to a mental hospital and after half a year or so they diagnosed me with psychosis, indifferent schizophrenia and asperger. Not sure if all of that is true but I definitely have an anxiety disorder and little ocd. I don't care about mental illness, I can take it as long as it doesn't affect my health. As I said, I am now in a better school and I don't feel much pain.
The thing that bothers me though... At 19 years they discovered a 20° S curve scoliosis. I think he said it was 20° on top and 15° on the bottom part of the spine. Do you think that underweight had something to do with this? Or maybe it was my poor nutrition? Maybe a lack of calcium or minerals? I asked my mother about it and she said she gave me these high calorie drinks and there should have been calcium as well. She also said that we went to the doctor to try to check for physical illnesses but they couldn't find anything. We also did blood tests and she said my nutrition was alright. At least that's what I think how it is... I'm not sure.
So as you can tell I have ocd and anxiety and so on and I am HEAVILY bothered by this. Since I got diagnosed with scoliosis I want to know if it is my fault or not. Did I worsen my health so bad to get a 20° S curve scoliosis? Did I do something wrong? Is it all my fault? Thinking back I couldn't have eaten in school and anxiety was bad. But somehow I started feeling the same way when I got home so I stopped eating as well. It was ALL anxiety in school and ALL rage and anger at home. But I think I could have got myself up to eat something at home so I wouldn't be completely malnourished. But I didn't... :(
Now at 21 years my weight is good. I am taking olanzapin and sertralin. But thinking back do you believe that if I had had normal weight and good nutrition, would I have no scoliosis right now or only a little one? I mean it all happened when I was in puberty and that's when the body grows. So I screwed everything up? I didn't get enough nutrition and weight or body fat to grow a straight spine? Is this all my fault? It makes me feel horrible and if I knew that it was my fault once they discover the cause for scoliosis then I would be destroyed. Only thinking that it's my fault makes me BLOOD BOIL! I should have killed them all in that school or went to a different school, joke.
I am working out now and I want to become strong and muscular. But that "scoliosis fault/guilt" thing really hinders me on giving my best. I think I look bad in the mirror and it shatters my hopes of achieving the best results... do you know what I mean? I mean I have scoliosis and I look weird in the mirror even though it's only 20° but still.. it looks a little "wrong". I wish I had a straight spine and no scoliosis.
But if I knew that it was definitely NOT my fault then I would be heavily relieved! So now that I shared my story with you, can you help me finally solve this issue I have and move on? I already asked my orthopaedic, a chiropractor and my doctor about it and they all said the same: they do not know the cause for scoliosis and they don't know if I worsened it or if it's my fault. So I'm asking you. Can you just enlighten me with your knowledge about scoliosis or research it. What do you think? Is scoliosis my fault due to poor nutrition or underweight or something else? As I remember then before that happened I was playing video games for like 8 hours a day (not every) while sitting weirdly uneven at the pc desk. So I had poor posture as well. But I've heard that the more weight you have, the harder scoliosis hits you but could it be that underweight might be a cause for scoliosis because the bones are easily formable? I don't know...
Please tell me if scoliosis is my fault or not. I want to give MY BEST in working out and I want this mental problem that I have to disappear! Did I worsen my scoliosis? Did I worsen my health so bad to the point of getting a 20° S curve scoliosis? Could I have prevented all of it? Is it my fault? Did I cause it? I want to know! Please explain your answer with a reasonable assumption. I want to hear your opinions on this! Did I do something wrong? Or maybe it was when I took that olanzapin pill that makes you hungry and I remember I gained like 10 kg in one month one time in the mental hospital... Whatever it is, give me the cause! I just can't believe that it is truly 100% genetic. At least not in my case... or is it? Things like this happen because of a cause! Don't they? So by judging my story what do you think of my scoliosis? Do you think I am the guilty one here? Did I worsen it or cause it? Is it entirely my fault because of the things I mentioned?
Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I would appreciate many honest comments and answers from you guys! This is really important to me. It has been bugging me for 2 years now.