hey I’m new to this forum but I’ve been a regular on others for a long time. I’m a 47 yr old divorced dad that has struggled with ocd for 28 yrs. to look at me you would think no way. Always laughing joking and usual carefree. From a close loving family and I have a 15 yr old son who is my life. My ocd has taken many themes over the yrs but the one that troubles me the most is harm ocd. I was diagnosed with it yrs ago. Over the yrs it was been about loved ones my ex wife And the worst my my son. I have been through this so many times that it shouldn’t phase me but it scares me to death every time. Over the yrs I’ve had the knife fear and guns since I’m a big outdoorsman but the last few episodes even back to 2008 the intrusive thought that has stuck in my mind is I want to harm my son. Just those words I want to harm. This leaves me feeling like a complete psycho. I am literally so full of anxiety it makes me sick. I withdraw and feel depressed. I love my child more than life. And I sit all day trying to convince myself that I don’t wanna harm my child. God that scares me to even type that. It’s like my ocd clouds the real me and I believe it’s lies even though I’m not violent in anyway and never have been or will be. I analyze this thought until it gets me so confused. I can ask myself do you want anything to happen to him? NO!!!! Do you love him?? God yes!!! Would you protect him?? GOD YES!!!!! But when I ask myself do you wanna harm him it like sometimes I can’t answer without doubting that makes me feel so scared and anxious I constantly ask for reassurance and I have outward compulsions of checking locks, faucets, counting, and doin things til it feels right I do these things because my ocd mind says if I don’t it means I want to harm my son or someone else so it’s plain to see this ain’t really me wanting to harm but an intrusive idea . How should I handle this and if you could look at my other post from as far back as 2006 it is identical to this one just about word for word . My question is when you are in the midst of a bad episode can you almost feel like the thoughts are really you?? Like it’s hard to believe it’s ocd This scares me so much A few nights ago it switched to my parents after I had a thought I could just go in there and hurt them I was shocked and felt the same misery I’m feelin now that it’s moved back to my son Any ideas or words of wisdom?
I’m just so freaking sad I hate this. I had to come off my meds as I mentioned in and man alive is it messing with me. I just feel paranoid, depressed, worn out. Worst of all I feel alone. I hate that I have to ride this out for now. I wish there was something I could do other than just spend all my time trying to forget reality.... I feel like I’ve taken many steps backward and like I’m...
Im sick of this!