I've had something similar. I have difficulty forming connections. I have to actually try to love someone.
Then, there are times when I feel exceedingly emotional, or perhaps just anxiety. It's hard to tell.
I just figured I was wired differently. Some friends have commented that they wouldn't be surprised if I opened my chest one day and they saw I was a robot.
Whether this is true, that I am an emotional robot, or whether I just keep myself bottled up so I don't get hurt, I can't be sure.
Do you think this could be the case for you? Keeping the hurt at arms length?

Yeah, maybe. People used to say that of my Mom. That she would be friends with people only up to a certain point and then she'd back off. I see myself doing that. I can feel emotional about a story or book or movie, but not about real life. I mean, I'm sure I do. But when I do, it's sometimes everything all at once. I fear I'm making no sense and it's one of those things I really want to understand because I want to know joy and sorrow and kinship in their deepest forms. I just don't think I'm capable.

Maybe I just don't handle it well. How is that?

I went through something similar where I kind of shut down emotionally for a few years - and darned if that wasn't when my ocd stuff roared its ugly head. It wasn't until I learned how to open up again and really grieved and let go of some of the pent up pain (and anger) that the ocd stuff got better again. Interesting. And no, you're not heartless. You just have to deal your own way in your own time. The trick is getting to a place where you can confront it head on and let yourself deal with it - that's the hardest part. Good luck!

I've tried so many times. Seems when I'm confronted with emotions that I can't push down, I feel like I'm drowning in them. A very desperate feeling indeed. Maybe I'm just better off like this. I don't know. I'd like to get beyond it and be able to deal with emotions like everyone else can.

A very desperate feeling indeed. When I let myself go through it is when I ended up in a very not fun depression. (Me, the queen of positive attitude!) I didn't like having to feel all of those negative things. And unfortunately it did take a while to work through it all. Truth be told the process was hellish. But finally coming out on the other side was worth it. I would not want to be in that same place I was before that happened. And I think it also helps me to be able to deal with and appreciate the good stuff, too. Always here if you want to talk further :)

unfortunately i too dont really have that much emotion my aunt and my cousin were both murdered when i was a kid and i did'nt cry i dont know what it is

I so appreciate the responses. This is the one thing I think I hate the most. I feel the things that don't matter. I can't feel the things that do. I can't pin it down sometimes. I understand what you said, meg, but I wonder if it's a matter of the right time or if it's a matter of there is something in my wiring that won't let it happen. Now THAT makes me sad. And I don't know...I'm understanding novacaine. I'm thinking...thus your username! I think if I need help with anything it's this. I don't know how to handle heavy feelings. I really don't. And I'll shut up now.

Okay, I'm going to sound like a shrink now, but it's true how much the childhood affects us. Were your parents very loving and affectionate and emotional with each other and you when you were a kid? Luckily for me, mine were. If yours weren't, that could speak volumes.

Of course, I still think a lot of it is our wiring. It alway seems to come back to that, doesn't it?

Affectionate, but always in control. So, yes shrink meggie...you may be onto something. Wiring aside. Or I could just be an alien spawn of Mr Spock and The Robot on Lost in Space. Hey, it could happen.

I don't think you have the ears

Had them bobbed.

It all makes sense now......

i do believe that there are few people in our lives whose loss causes extreme debiltating grief. I think you are quite normal in your feelings when your parents died.
What is love anyway?