hi all.... i am a refugee from the depression board, it is ridiculous over there right now and anyway, my depression manifests in overeating, so i'm gonna try to get some support over here.... i was practically catatonic one week ago when I showed up on Daily Strength... I have lost 4 pounds this week, I am hoping I can lose 75 by September 30.... just in time for me to show up at the Dodge Poetry Festival looking still a bit flabby, but utterly just a little more fabulous. Have never lost more than 30 pounds in my entire life at a stretch.... have tried everything in the past, atkins, grapefruit, there was this awful one with beets, I really have tried everything... it just never works, I can never stay MOTIVATED....that is the bugaboo for me. MOTIVATION.... to stay with it and not let the foibles of life throw me out of whack...and what is with this inability to really care about myself anyway????? THAT is the root of it all, I just have no basic sense that I SHOULD CARE ABOUT MY HEALTH. Scary. very scary. why am I like this? the abuse issues? the depression? I don't know, I just know I really have no sense of self and no belief in myself and I have really really destructive thinking patterns, like bashing myself, mocking myself (heck, want to get it in and said before someone else does it, and also to let whoever know that I KNOW I am a disgusting, repulsive human being, I KNOW IT, don't rub it in).....I am SO HARD ON ME!!!! I FORGIVE NO ONE... especially ME!!!!! and every pound gained over the past 4 months I have been unemployed has set me deeper into depression, deeper into isolation. Seriously, there is not ONE person in my life at all. honestly. i have not one friend... it is so hard to make new friends anyway.... no one wants to be seen with a fatty. people have said that right to my face!!! Now I am in serious trouble with high blood pressure, have been off the meds for almost an entire year... and I am waiting for the heart attack or stroke anyday now. 180 over 127 last night. Been like this for 9 months now. lost weight between March and June, about 20 pounds or so, and then was up 5 pounds by September, and once I lost my job, i gained another 25... 12 of it just in December!!!!!!!!!! I have asthma, arthritis, colitis, might have a thyroid problem, seems like I have all the symptoms, no health insurance, no job, no money even for decent food. I am on another web site for diet support, but it is so restrictive for participation as I cannot follow their meal plans, recipes or suggestions, I get my food at the food bank, and that means macaroni, macaroni, more macaroni, sometimes soup (very salty, bad for the blood pressure, so i water it down), margarine, rice, beans, govt. cheese, bread, frozen meals (mostly pizza)...no fresh anything. that's my food folks. very hard to work with..... I have this constant need to eat, it is so overpowering.... am trying to use the computer more, am trying to get out of the house more (hard, often no gas in the car and can't walk in cold weather with the asthma), trying to find outlets to get me out of the house with some help, like volunteering and getting rides with people.... I have to be kicked nine times on a Sunday to exercise, gawd, I am the quintessential couch potato....I am the reigning queen of immobility. yes I am!!!!! I have been posting on craigslist for months and months for a walking buddy.... it seems I am the only fat assed woman in my entire county...no one is willing to meet me at the mall...and again, I really can't afford the daily gas to get there. jeesh. I am trying here folks, I lost 4 pounds this week, but the beginning is easy, it is week three or four I am already worrying about. So...have tried to be completely honest and not whine.... I have daily goals, I have no support at all, but am hoping this on line stuff really really works.... I am in a life or death situation here and am really not ready to kick the bucket just yet. thanks for listening, hope we become good friends.
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