I have been losing weight since 2003. I started off around 500 lbs. In the beginning I did it the wrong way. I went on an extreme diet and lost around 150 lbs. Then I gained back around 80 lbs. I joined a gym at that point and hired a personal trainer in 2005. I started to eat right and exercise. I have gained a lot of muscle and lost a lot of fat in the meantime. Around May I was down to around 300 lbs. During last few years I had surgery for sleep apnea and got a c-pap, I had surgery for some loose skin, and made a variety of changes. I pulled something in my back in June and I havent been able to workout. It is getting better and I am getting back in the gym. That part isnt necessarily my fault. The part that is my fault is the diet. It has been crappy all summer and I now weigh 340+ lbs. I say + because I havent weighed myself lately. I am so depressed at my lack of discipline. I am disappointed in myself. I will start working at it again and I think I can get back down to 300 lbs by the end of the year. I am a big guy (big boned lol) and when I had a hydrostatic body fat test done I had 244 lbs of lean body mass. I am sure that is less now that I have not been able to work out at all. However in my mind I think that if I get to around 270 lbs I will be normal. I am definitely not a normal size now. It is frustrating after years of effort to still be a fat person. It feels like that wont ever change. I really cant imagine what it would be like to be thin. For example in the gym if I bench press 300 lbs five times it is easy to visualize bench pressing 315 lbs because it is something that can be quantified. Yet going from fat to not fat is elusive and hard for me to define. I know it when I see it yet I dont know how I can do it. Also the mention of lifting brings up another point. I lift a lot of weight and I enjoy that achievement but obviously if I was a great fitness person I wouldnt be obese. So I am doing something wrong. I am going to try to do more energy system work instead of strength training this time around. I know way more about training and nutrition than I need to know. My problem is behavior. I think it is a case of not doing a good job self-monitoring. If it was a case of being able to just not do something I could do it. If I didnt have to eat at all that would be simple and easy. For a year I ate very infrequently and I was able to deal with the feelings of hunger. Eating the right amounts to allow me to gain muscle and lose fat seems to be difficult for me though on paper it should be simple. Something about my internal mental workings are not quite right. I dont know if anyone knows of a quick and easy way to address this issue. I dont know if I did a very good job presenting it. I know that if I stop paying attention I will be 500 lbs before I know what happened. That is a scary thought. I dont want that to happen. Any thoughts are appreciated.
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