While sitting in front of the computer tonight, stuffing myself with Taco Bell, I had an epiphany. Every day I wake up and try to convince myself that today is the first day of my new healthy lifestyle. I will lose weight, I will exercise. I will stop hating myself and my body. Then something happens and everything goes to hell. While eating my third taco, I realized that part of my problem is that I don't know what I'm missing. I know how to be fat. I've been fat my whole life. I've never shopped at normal size stores, never felt comfortable in a chair with arms, never athletic...and on and on. Although I hate my life being morbidly obese, I know no alternative. I see it, I dream of it, but I don't know how it will feel. I know the pleasure and comfort food gives me. If I give that up, I have no clue what will come next and that scares me more than a lifetime of obesity and pain. Does this make any sense to anyone else? What do I do from here?
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