So, as those of you that have been following along, Vicki had signed a DNR. Well, yesterday she decided that she wants to live even if it means being on the ventilator so she tore up the order. grrrrrrrr. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel she has a better chance of survival now, but at what cost. I now get to visit her in ICU when she has her next crisis. Seeing her in pain and on the ventilator trying to communicate is horrid. She feels she is the only one that suffers through those moments. she feels no one understands what shes going through. she may be right, I cant feel her pain, but I can empathise. But at what point do we point out the pain she puts us through by changing her mind like this and now we have to watch it all happen, with our hands behind our backs? The constant visits to the nursing home every single evening after work is taking its toll on me. The only day I dont go to see her is on Sundays, then she rings my phone off the hook the entire day. I cant turn the phone off in the event of a real emergency. I deserve at least one day to myself, she cant understand that. It gotta be all about her or nothing at all. She has always needed to be the center of everything. I feel this is just another way to get the focus of everyones attention back on her now that the initial upset of signing the DNR has fizzeled out. This is a whole new set of attention getters. Im sorry if I sound unrealistic, heartless or otherwise, but this is how I feel right now. I put myself in debt pre-paying for a funeral that was expected to happen this month or next. I could have waited until my finances werent in such bad shape. I hate having bills. And this is a big one. Yeah, it would have had to be paid for at one point or another....but now was not the most ideal time. 6 months ago, would have been easier delt with, or even 6 months from now is feezible, but this exact time,,,,,not even close. All I can do is say, ok, what is done is done and deal with it. I have NO CHOICE in her decisions but I catch all the fall out from them. Does anyone at all understand what Im feeling? all I can say is GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
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