As most of you know already, I am a single mom of 3, and have MS and CA. The CA is supposedly terminal, but recently there have been some positive changes. Drs are not willing to change the terminal diagnosis yet, but as I tell them, it is all about rewriting the rules.

Last night, my older 2 were running around and acting silly, laughing and playing. The sound of laughter in the house was wonderfu. I had worked all day and was wore out and wanted to sleep, but didn't say anything because they were having fun.

Instead, I sat down at my computer and wrote. Thought I would post it here.

Hope everyone has a great day!


It seems like only days ago that I sat wishing my oldest child could talk and tell me what she wanted. Now, in what seems like a blink of an eye, fourteen years have passed, and even my youngest can fully express herself.

I remember I couldn't wait for them to be somewhat independent, now I wonder, what did I wish upon myself? Time is going by too fast, and precious memories are but a fleeting second on a clock whose hands fly way too rapidly. How do I stop it? How can I slow it down? I wish desperately I could go back in time, and find a way to cherish every second and not wish it away.

But, when I think about it, would I truly change anything? Sadly, yes, I probably would. I would find a way to hold on to the most precious of moments, and let go of the painful ones. Find a way to etch the sweetness of their words deep in my heart, and at the same time, find a way to not let the pain of abuse enter in and alter those times.

I would find a way to protect them, better and stronger than what I did. And to let them know every moment of every day how very much I love them. I would find a way to permanently engrave into my mind, the way they looked at every moment in time, and learn to never take those special moments for granted.

Now, here I am fourteen years into my journey of motherhood, and face the reality that I might not get the chance to finish this precious assignment that I have been given. I panic at the thought, and can feel my chest tighten as the reality sets in. I search desperately for a way to hold on to all that I have, to stop those hands on the clock, and find a way to rewind them back to a safer time in my life. But I realize, there is no real safe time, because there is no promise of a tomorrow, only the gift of today.

So, I take today and hold on tight, wrap my arms around my children, and soak up the memories as a sponge soaks up water. I look in their eyes, and try to find a connection into their inner most thoughts, a way to connect, beyond simple words that seem to inadequate to express my true feelings. I see it in their smile, I feel it in their heartbeat, a connection that will transcend the years as they so quickly fly by. It is within that connection that I find my strength, my will and my determination. Within each one of them lies my very essence of life. I close my eyes and breathe in deep so very thankful for the day that we have be given.