
Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group
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Advice for husbands of ladies suffering from MS

deleted_user
My wife was diagnosed with MS about a year ago, started Avonex a month later, then had a severe flair up that paralyzed half her body. We thank God that she can walk again. It sure makes you appreciate the good days. The side effects from the weekly shot look more like getting hit by a truck than flu like.
I would appreciate any advice on what I can do to help her. We have been married for 24 years, with ups and downs, but this is by far the most extreme circumstances we have had to confront. I think the book Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus is a riot ... the cartoon fits.
What have husbands have done for their wives with MS, that has helped? She thinks I'm not happy with her. I am really unhappy about the MonSter, but I love her dearly and it hurts to know that she is suffering. I would like it to be her and I against the disease, not the disease as a wedge between us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I would appreciate any advice on what I can do to help her. We have been married for 24 years, with ups and downs, but this is by far the most extreme circumstances we have had to confront. I think the book Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus is a riot ... the cartoon fits.
What have husbands have done for their wives with MS, that has helped? She thinks I'm not happy with her. I am really unhappy about the MonSter, but I love her dearly and it hurts to know that she is suffering. I would like it to be her and I against the disease, not the disease as a wedge between us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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hope this helps
Hugz
Morgaine
if i could change only one thing about my husband that would help me with my m.s. it would be that he fully understand that when i say i'm not up to doing something(cooking,going out,disciplining the kids,whatever)that means i'm really not up to doing it.and the importance of the task has nothing to do with weather or not i am up to doing it.
i'm guessing from your post that you do understand your wifes limitations
Keep checking in as you have ?'s we will try to help. ask your wife to join too.
if your wife insists on doing something...even a small chore...and says that she feels up to it...
allow her to do it... give her that independance and dignity to be able to help out even in a small way...sigh..there is a big difference between being there for her...and helping her out and taking total control and making her feel totally useless and like she is going to break if she moves at all...grin.. nope not like it is like that around here at all...lol
she will let you know when she has had enough...communication is the key factor there...
now if i could just get my husband a hearing aid...i would be all set...grin..
glad to see you on board..
hugs
heather
Counsellings together has helped to understand some of the emotional side of things, which is still pretty much an alien concept to me. I still get caught completely by surprise too often. Or I just flat out can not reconcile the tone I hear with the words of a statement, like when No really means yes(and it should have been obvious), or was it the other way around?
Reading some of the discussions helps to understand what it like for some other people suffering with MS.
It has been hard for her to slow down from supermom to being a mere mortal. Before she could get thru almost anything with positive thinking and sheer will power. But this is different, powering thru pain may have serious repercussions and there may be a price to pay for days. It is difficult to suggest she should slow down without her feelings getting hurt. But she is getting the hang of taking naps! This is good. Letting the housework go has been hard for her, especially when my mother came to visit, but that's a different story.
The guilt thing confounds me. She has periods of extreme guilt somehow for something she did not choose, and does not want. This leads to strangeness. I try to take on more around the house, and the kids have stepped up. I'm lucky enough to be able to work from home, but I have to be careful to keep focused enough on work to pay the bills and keep the insurance paid. I can not imagine what this would be like without good insurance.
The line between helping out, control, and making her feel useless is a morphing nebulous area. Has anyone found a rewind button around here? It sure would come in handy once in a while when I thought I was trying to help!
I'll check with the local nurse that does the Avonex injection to make sure it is at room temperature, they may be skipping that step, that was a good hint.
I hope she will join the when she gets back from her business trip. She has started a business that she has dreamed about for years, but feels cheated, because just as the kids are growing up and she thought this was her time, MS hit. She schedules the trips when she is able bodied. She is brave.
Thanks to each of you for your care and guidance.
hugz
Morgaine
Learning how to help enough, but not too much and insulting her dignity is tough. As Heather said, communication is the key. The problem is we speak completely different languages, but the trick is we use the same words ... Add to that the "word mix ups" and chaos can prevail. We are working on it. The housework is shared pretty well, she cooks for us when she can, and she is a great cook, and we fend for ourselves when she is not able. Sometimes the kids and I have a stand off to see who is the hungriest and willing to cook, but that does not last long as we describe dishes we like, someone caves in quickly. One bright note with our oldest girl, she is mildly autistic and tends to be obsessive compulsive. Believe it or not, she is allowed to use the vacuum cleaner as a reward for good behavior!
The response and support from everyone has been wonderful, thanks to all of you!