The man I am married to lost his mother in January. He has been prickly but today he screamed at me so violently and so shockingly that I dissasociated completely and not only am numb, floating far away and I don't recognize him as "my" husband. He and I both have some asperger's and have always talked things through. But I said things after a full day that make me wonder if I have alter in control.
I came from a very violent home with a sibling murdered, bi-polar and psychotic mother with drug abuse problems. All my siblings are dead from self-inflicted suffering. My mother used to drug us and let her drug suppliers sexually abuse us as payment. I did 10 years of therapy, including group, marriage and individual counseling. My therapist didn't think I had completely detached alter personalities but I did have "parts," very walled off emotional aspects of different ages. My sister attended some sessions and has at least 7 different personalities. The one who knew me died and so she is essentially "dead" as none of her alter personalities are connected to me.
Sitting here, with "my" dogs, I don't recognize them as mine. I know they are dogs, that I have cared for them for years, but I don't recognize any emotional attachment to them at all.
I told this man I am married to that "his wife was dead, that he didn't know me and had never met me before but that I would never allow him to hurt her again," including killing "her to protect her." I cannot relate to the life she has lived, cannot feel love for the people she loved and wouldn't want to see any of them.
This man has done things that have hurt me before, and we worked through it. (No physical or emotional abuse, just regular marital problems.) But I lived in life threatening terror for most of my life and have had "fugues." I feel both spaced out and like the person I was yesterday is gone. I am now the potent protector. The person who saved her all her life. I don't know if I want her to come back ever.
Is this a true disasociative state? Is it just a temporary response to the trauma ( He screamed loud enough at me that neighbors half a mile a way could hear , something shattered and I am in complete shut down mode. He has never, ever been so violent before.)
The aspergers syndrome makes me very logical and analytical and I believe that it, along with not ending up bi-polar on top of it, saved my life. But I never expected after all that therapy that I would have this completely big shift happen again.
I have whole periods of my life and my career that are blank memories, so it isn't like it hasn't happened at some level before, but it was not the same. This feels different, like a super conciousness is in control and has no connection at all the life that "she" built.
Has anyone else had this happen to them?
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