If you can't drop your guard with your therapist, there may be a good reason for it...I have not found many I have felt safe with. And one or two that I did, I paid for dearly.

My advice is, don't reveal more than you are comfortable with, and only a little at a time....you always have a choice, and you never are obliged to stay with someone you don't trust or feel comfortable with, for whatever reason.

I agree with starfish. We have to be very careful with who we trust. There is alot to us and we require knowledgeable, compassionate, people to work with us. I do understand that denial thing very well. I go back and forth with it. One day I am reaching out to my alters and trying to learn about them and the next day I am denying that they exist. I have only recently been diagnosed but I think I knew for years...That said, apart of me still wonders if I havent just made it all up. I dont know how we cant ever be helped if we arent able to accept it...Ah well at least you are not alone hon.

Dissociation is a part of the human experience. Many people have different 'hats' they put on for different social settings, and a prime example is when you take a drive in your car and are either engaged in conversation or deep in thought...you don't remember the trip, but you drove on autopilot.
But to those who had to use it to survive horrible traumas, especially children,its severity differs widely with different people. It is a survival tool.
I find it sad to think that kind of ignorance still exists among some Doctors...especially the ones who honor and revere Freud, when he was obviously a deeply disturbed individual.
I'm sorry you and many others have also encountered such ignorance. It is the degree or severity of the dissociation that causes our lives to be impaired or hinders the ability to grow and function in a world that has already proven it cannot protect the innocent or helpless.
I have personally benefited from the integration process and when i de-fuse a trigger, sometimes the hallucinations both auditory and visual have dissipated that were associated with it. And lost time from my childhood has been remembered...on my own, not 'suggested memories', that some therapists have been accused of prompting. These are things that came back of their own volition after I put the pieces together in other areas of my life.
I hope you can find the help that you need and not be deterred by the skepticism that seems to flourish about this subject. I wish you peace and to find someone you can trust to take you a little further on your journey.

Thanks everyone, it is difficult for me to talk about for many reasons, but dont think its necessary to get into that now. Im finding it difficult to retain what I read here even though I am typing this reply in WORD with IE open so I can see both your posts and my reply but I am betting someone reading this is nodding their head in agreement thinking, yes! I do that too!
When the first fragmented memories surfaced I was puzzled, I remember it vividly. I was in the therapists office, I trusted him implicitly, but found what I was experiencing almost impossible to describe. I had my eyes closed, or think I did, and I saw snippets of what appeared to be photographs. It looked as if someone had taken a photo album and chopped the photos into slivers then mixed them all together. Over the next few weeks pieces would come into focus but made no sense in and of themselves. A few however explained memories that I had but could not explain. For example, I had always remembered walking down a hallway with my father. I could see what I was wearing, a brilliant red coat with bright brass buttons. We arrived at a door, he knocked and the memory ended there. I could never figure out why Id remember such an innocuous thing so vividly, I couldnt have been more than five at the time of the memory. The snippets provided a catalyst and I remembered some of what happened behind that door. It was a long process, Id remember other pictures, and eventually they formed a story that I finally told the therapist. He was shocked to say the least and did question some of it because it made no sense, he asked how it was possible since there werent any physical scars uh, how he thought he knew that I dont know. I mean he never saw me naked and didnt have access to any medical records. I felt at the time he wasnt questioning me I cant explain it sorry but I didnt take offense. I knew he was having difficulty picturing some of what I told him, I suspect I wasnt able to explain things well. I know I dissociated, or at least depersonalized some of it because I remember thinking that I was watching someone else from a corner up against the ceiling. I told him that as well and I know he understood I did not mean I was physically transported to the ceiling, I just felt uninvolved in what was happening.
Um, not sure what the point was to all this, sorry. I am debating posting it but am going to do it anyway because its written and maybe someone will benefit or have some insight and help both me and themselves. Thanks for reading what looking like its going to be a very long post.

I know about 'hovering at the ceiling'. Some things are too horrible to deal with when you are small and helpless. It is depersonalization and dissociation. I understand the difficulty concentrating too...~smiles~ I'm glad you are getting images of the pieces...because it is a vast puzzle and it will take time to put it together. And although reality hasn't changed (sometimes it sucks out loud!) my ability to deal with it and function are improving each time I make even the smallest breakthrough in the process. I'm glad you are able to share and to listen. That is one of your most valuable tools in healing and growing.
cherie

Hi Cherie, nice to meet you. I hadnt intended to write a book on my last post but got caught up in it and understand how tedious it can be to read such things so am very glad you were interested and able to read it. I know, honestly I do, how dissociation and depersonalization work I see it often at work, but experiencing it myself still can be unsettling and sometimes painful. You make a very good point about reality not changing, I feel that you understand viscerally how very much I would like to change it but that the only thing that can change is how I perceive and deal with it. I still sometimes like to pretend that it wasnt how it was, or try to forget it altogether. Ha, thats a real joke, and sadly its all on me.
I read your profile and see we live in the same state so Im wondering if were anywhere near one another? Im on the Treasure Coast about midway between West Palm and Otown. I havent found a therapist that quite fits but am involved in a therapeutic relationship thats a bit unconventional telephone sessions only but would like to find someone I could see face-to-face so if you know of any Id be happy to hear about them.
K, this could easily turn into another marathon post so Ill stop here, thanks again and its good to have met you.
Laura