here i sit smoking cigarette after cigarette burning myself,wanting to kill myself...im tired of the voices in my head they are so overpowering..i guess i just need to vent i should be used to Steve hurting the body but i get so tired of it ..just tired of it all.. apart of me wants to die but other parts want to live and be happy...im not sure how to quiet my thoughts or redirect my thoughts like the dr suggests.. i think its a crock of poop...i feel like such a let down i have no energy to fight this time ..i just want to sleep i want my alters to just leave me be but when i fight them i struggle...im fighting them now..i just want to be happy i have a wonderful hubby that supports us but its not fair to him...i find myself pushing away from the people that love me so so i wont feel quilty when i take my life ...maybe its not Steve hurting the body maybe its me e....i fight to figure myself out and i get so depressed when i cant....i just need to breath and stay focused ...on the outside things are great...loving hubby, supportive mom and step dad, wonderful drs, i just feel like such a loser...inside im crumbling and crumbling fast...what id do to not have negative thoughts...but the voices are so loud i cant not listen to them...how do i find peace...how can i live like this? i just want to sleep i dont eat and when i do Lisa makes me throw up...im tired of pretending my life is ok when its not..i just needed to vent u guys ty so much for this safe place...we are going to be ok it just gets so overwhelming sometimes..so now im thinking why fight them? i should just accept who we are...something inside doesnt want to co exsist i just want to be me...but im not me im apart of something thats hard to explain...thats why im struggling cuz im trying to deny who i am and what i am...i just need to accept the fact that its we not me thats just so hard to do right now...i just wanna be normal whatever the hell that means..i just want to get thru one day without hurting myself without thinking of ways to kill myself today isnt one of those days
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