I feel really helpless and like I SHOULD do something. But its good that he is crying. Crying is a good thing. Its good that he can cry with you! He must trust you. Its sometimes hard to separate that we are not responsible for out kids pain. They have to go through their own process - especially now that they are grown!

It is difficult being a parent to an adult, isn't it? It is certainly different than when they were 3 and we could take them into our lap and comfort them!

I don't really know your story and don't know if it is part of why your son is crying, but do you know why? Is he suffering from depression? Does he need to see someone? Is there a way for you to lovingly bring these things up with him. It may be good that he is crying but I'd be worried about why a 22 year old man needed to cry. Try asking what you can do to help him. And just love him the best you can. In the end it is all we can do!
Karen

I react when my son cries but I don't feel sad later I feel nervous. Anytime anyone displays emotions it tends to make me nervous. When it comes to my son if he is sad or having a rough time I stay with his emotion and feel compelled to "fix" it for him. I am being to understand that I must allow other people to feel their own emotions, it is there right.

earthlake - I once read a quote that went along the lines of LOVE IS WHEN THE HAPPINESS OF ANOTHER IS DEPENDENT UPON YOUR OWN. I've always like this saying and think that it is normal among people who really love eachother. I like the idea that when I'm sad someone elses puts their life on hold to feel my sadness and care and help me bring light back to my soul. Sounds to me that this is what your doing with your son.

he was crying in a family meeting we had with my couselor talking about stuff. He hasn't
dealt with certain things yet but he knows he needs to. It was good for him to cry but I know that he needs therapy to deal with a backlog of grief and yet it hurt like hell to
know that he does.

thanks for everyones posts here...they are all so true and so right on and very helpful.

Earthlae, I couldn't even answer this when you first posted it. My son got all the addiction genes from both sides of the family. He became a heroin addict in his early 20's. I can't begin to tell you how much it hurt me to see him deal with the consequences of his addiction.
We did everything we could but until he took control of his life, I basically had to let him go. It was and is tremendously difficult to do that, but he has to help himself.
He is clean now. I support him and love him with all my heart. I just can't do the healing for him, that is his job. Very sad, Silver

hiosilver,
My daughter and I told my son today how much we care and how much it hurts that we know he is he is hurting and would like him to be able to resolve his pain so he could have the joy he deserves...He said he felt "so loved" when we expressed that to him. We all agreed too that each one of us had to do our own work to heal as noone else is inside our heads and can know exactly how we need and want to heal ourselves and at what pace.
My son has an addictive kind of personality as well...he has never gotten into real heavy duty addiction, atleast to this point, but it comes out in ways that you can tell.
I think of him as a "dry drunk" in some ways, cause he isn't in trouble in the outside world exactly, but he is inside and he carries enough denial to keep not having to face it like he would have to if he really acted out and got into trouble at work or with the law....in his own way, like your son, he has to find his own bottom.

You were amazingly brave to "let your son go" your ability to let go is exactly what I need to do here as well...I have give up my desire for him to seek therapy and be out of pain in "my" timing and trust the Creator has it figured out already and will take care of it just fine if I don't interfere. Your post reminded me of the letting go aspect I am struggling with yet need to do.
have fun at your daughter's wedding.
love earthlake

Earthlake, I am glad I could help. My son has had a tremendous amount of counseling from when we were all a family. Years and years of it.
I think you nailed it on the head when you use the term "dry drunk". He is clean but still smoking pot and drinking everyday. He has a new job so hopefully that will stop some of those behaviors. I know he could be much happier if he moved out of his present apartment, but that is for him to do.
I still work at letting go, even as I want to grab hold and make it all better. I don't think that will ever stop, he is my son after all. I managed to not cry when I wrote the first piece,but I am not escaping it now.
As parents we want only the best for our children. Sometimes that is just not possible. I saw so many parents still abusing their children when I was at timberlawn in the hospital. So many damaging parents. I do not ever want to be like that. So the best I can do is still love him, he is doing much better than he did before. I give him credit for that.
Silver
I sure hope this pain heals sometime soon. It is worse than looking at my own abuse. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I worked really hard at raising my kids with the love and fun I didn't get. I do have to keep telling myself, it was not about me. I didn't give him the drugs or make him to the things that sent him to prison 3 times.
OK, gotta go. This hurts too much. Again, silver