Oh my poor friend,,Please let me assure you that memories are harder to re-enact when looking at the scene again, but much older & bigger. For example, u assume sitting on a bed, when perhaps u were hiding under the bed or behind a night stand, etc. And a sliding door on a tub can be removed with no trace & show no evidence on an old tub....funkymama is right. don't second guess yourself!!Just as a doorknow is level with my nose when I have flashbacks!! Take care!

There's so much I want to say, but I will just say that what you feel is normal, I'm so sorry I've been wrapped up in my own stuff to not look out for my friends. You are such a good person, take care and keep searching for that closure you want.

thankyou funky mama and schiz... i also wrote to my t. he replied with a bit of an explanation...i'll put it in here in case it might help anyone else.

He said, " I can see how the differences between the bathroom you saw and T's picture could be unsettling to you and everyone inside for different reasons. For what it's worth, It doesn't make me doubt anything. Memories and dissociative images can be complicated and interwoven. For example... seeing things from up high... when the memories come from being small... that is a combination of the sensory input and the dissociative distancing. As far as T's view of the bathroom. there may be some mix of dissociative imagery and the memory of the actual place. Maybe there was something about a sliding glass door that helped make sense of what was happening. It's also possible that what happened to her occurred in a different bathroom, but that the image/memory of "coming to S" was set in that bedroom. Does that make sense? The traumatic image/memory of what happened to T in the bathroom ties to a certain event, but the dissociative survival strategy... the way of dealing with the trauma and it's reoccurring memory.. may have involved "making it to S" which would require having the second part of the image be of coming through the bathroom door and struggling to get to her on the bed. I know it probably doesn't change the doubt, and it would have been nice to be able to say... oh, there, it's all cleared up... but I guess that's not what happened. Sounds like some of the details fit, and it will give us more to talk about when you get back."

i wish it were simple. i wish i could believe myself and not always question and wonder if i'm just saying things because i want someone to think something bad happened to me that was worse than what it was. i hate having holes in my memory. i hate knowing that there are bad things that happened that i do remember bits of and always have remembered bits of, but them feeling like they aren't enough, that they don't count. i remember being tied up to the bed, naked...to the 4 posts at the corners, and him sorting through condom packages. that's not even a flashback, i know it for certain, and he hasn't even denied it....but i don't remember what happened next so i think that i must be just telling that so that someone will think it went further. i don't feel it, i just see it. i just have always remembered that one (i was around 13-16 when it happened, i can't place it much closer than that, and that's just one incident, there are a few others that i've always remembered. but this stuff from the house i visited the other day, it's from when i was 3-6 years old that i lived there. and T (the little one) has said it's my dad. iknow that i was told to go shower with him, that my mom sent me in there, and her words to t, and the image she showed me were of her being pushed against the front of the shower stall face first into it while he shoved from behind doing something bad. then to go and see that room and have it not the same, it just confuses everything. i know that (even have proof that) the room i was tied up in was the way i remmber it, but this one the only thing i had with my limited memory was what she showed me and so when i got there and looked to see if she showed me right, and it was different, i was confused. i don't know if that means all of it is wrong, if nothing happened from him, or if something did and it's all just jumbled up.

i haven't been in contact with them for 5 years because i told them i wouldn't meet with them until they were willing to do it with a 3rd party to help us sort through it and begin a healthy relationship. they've lied toeveryone else in my extended family and they've told them that i'm "not talking to them". that's a twist of the truth.

my grandma pulled me aside (this is the first time i've seen her in 5 years) and she said, "you know i love you" and i said yes, and then she said, "i don't know what the troubles are between you and your folks, but would you please consider calling them..."

i explained how it wasnt' that i wouldn't call, its' that i've given them the way to restart the relationship (through a counselor) and they've refused....so she ended by saying that she would "go to work on them" to get them to change their mind and meet with me to reconcile things.

that scares me and i don't know if i can do it. i know my t. will help me work through it if it comes to that, but i'm hoping that they don't ever call and don't ever try to work it out, cuz with all of my doubts i'm afraid to meet with them. i was hoping that seeing that room was going to confirm some of the early childhood stuff that i'm not as certain of so that if we met i would be on more solid footing, but that's not what happened at all. now i'm less certain than before, and more afraid.

i just want the truth. and i dont' want to be wrong about any of this. it would be fine with me if none of it ever happened as long as i could know that for sure. i don't want people to feel like they have to encourage me that i'm right about my memories, i want to be right (whether it happened or didn't) that's all that matters to me is that i'm not in denial, or repression, or on the other hand, believing there is a problem where none existed.

sorry to ramble on and on. i just know there's no way to work this out talking and talking and talking through it if no one can know what really happened. only God knows for sure what the truth is, and so far the only direction i got from him was about "asking the little ones inside"....and when i did that i got this picture that didn't line up with the real place. now i don't know what to do.

thank you for reading this long post. i'm sorry.

The younger our memories, the less accurate they are, for two reasons: 1) because our young minds were not developed enough to interpret and put together all the information into one congealed memory, and 2) because it is older information, and when you don't use information, the details of it tends to get lost, although it is in your subconscious somewhere, it is just more difficult to recall specifically.

You are not trying to make up a story, obviously....so in order to be sure your inner little one does not feel rejected, accept what memory you have, in the way you have it. You may find more information that makes the whole puzzle fit together, and you may not. Sometimes, I have gone back to a place too, and found that I did not quite remember it correctly. That's just because we are fallible humans.

From what I have read about memory and DID, details are often off. It is the persistence of the memory, not the exactness of it, that carries the weight.

Another aspect is that there's a concept of "therapeutic memory" versus "legal memory".

I'd never go to court over my abuse memories, because my "legal memory" of them is not that good. BUT my "therapeutic memory" (heart memory) of them is enough to have the flashbacks & work through the memories in therapy & get over the disorder. THAT'S what's important to me!

Perhaps that's all you need to trust, unless you are planning to have a court case about it.

hi raysemma, talking about memories is really confusing to us to... we have some that are really concrete and some that are very flimzy like a curtain is blowing in the wind.. I have also found that we not only conpartmentalized the memory to more than one person but also the emotions are blocked or shared also when it is that way the memories are pieces that each share meaning that maybe one has the bathroom door and one has the tub and one the floor and so on pluss the emotions are hidden behind the door, under the floor, or blocked by a brick wall that is painted black like ours and is made of fear... dont try to hard to find the memories they will comeforward when needed and if the memories are not clear then they might not be a real issue.. I have journels that we have kept for over 17 yrs and we have parts of them that are not true because some of our people put them there to scare us out of therapy but when the time comes you will know what is real... good luck.. sweets

Dont doubt yourself, now you are doing what everyone else does and blame yourself. I too was abused by my older brother, and some of his friends(child porn)This is real and we would not be this way if nothing had happened remember you are blaming a younger alter, Dont do that trust yourself and your heart it is all we have.

thank you everyone,
sweeteawice, it's interesting what you said about the memory being broken up. this summer i had a new picture hit me one day when i was trying to relax and ease some pain in my back. i was counting backwards and all of a sudden i saw this horrible movie in my head, and it was like these different men were doing something to me as a little girl, but the me was actually three different girls, and it was as though each one took a different sense of the experience (one touch, one sound, one sight). you are the first other person who has mentioned having things broken apart in the memories in a similar way.

also, thanks to the person who mentioned the persistence of memory. i have many that hang on even though i can't remember them in their entirety i know the part i have and it comes over and again. that might help me not be so critical of it.

i know it's common for people with SA history to blame themselves. it just seems right when i do it...

thank you everyone who wrote. your support is very very important to me!
emma