I also forgot to add that I have memory problems...to the extent that I cant remember a ton of things that happened as a child or even a month ago...I will have cnoversations with people and I know Ive talked to them but when I think about it, it's always like someone else had the conversation. All of my memories seem like Im watching and not in them....

Have you talked with a doctor about it, could be a lot of things. Feeling like youre watching yourself is depersonalization, its a symptom not an illness. you sound like you dissociate and maybe you're did but whatever it is it sounds like you could use some help. hope talking here helps.

I just started counseling....I have this way about me that is so calm and rational. People have a hard time imagining that I can freak out so bad. I dont think anyone takes me seriously. But I know that it scares me a little because of the intensity of feelings I have. I cut myself the last time I had this experience. And when I look at the cut on my arm, I can hardly remember doing it...

this happens to me to it is like i leave my own body

I have those too, bbjjbb. Sometimes those episodes seem to come out of nowhere, but believe me, there is always a trigger behind it. If you are in counseling bring this up to your therapist. What was happening at the time of the overwhelming urge to cut? What music was playing? What sounds were coming from outside, etc...It is hard to try and be aware when it is a sneak attack. Have a notepad handy the next time you get that 'wild hair' so to speak. If you track the clues you may be able to de-fuse that particular trigger. And be encouraged, because it is daily work, just like pulling weeds in your garden. It looks good for a day or two, but if you don't continue the good work you started it can seem to pile up. It is hard work, but it does get better, inch by inch, degree by degree. And utilize your support system, lean when you need to.
hugs and encouragement,
emerald59