Today I went to visit my moms grave for the first time alone. Everytime I have been before I had my children or someone else with me because noone would let me go alone. And when my kids were there I had to be strong for them because they were watching me like hawks to make sure I didn't cry. So I stepped out of my car and my breath just left me and I started bawling. I sat at her grave and just cried and cried and told her how much I missed her. It was so hot and no breeze was blowing when I got there and as I sat there for a little while crying my eyes out the wind picked up, just a gentle breeze and I swear it made me so comforted and I thought about the words to the poem...Do not stand at my grave and cry...the one part says I am a thousand winds that blow and I calmed a bit. Then as I was leaving I started crying again because I felt like I was leaving her there all over again. Now I know she is not there just her body but that is the part of her I need to see to hold her and hug her and feel her arms around me. IT was killing me. But at least I did get to visit alone and talk to her and tell her how much I miss her. Which was something I was needing to do for the longest time and never got a chance to do till today. Damn I miss her so much and it is killing me not to see her. I want my mommy and I could kick and scream and throw a tantrum if it would bring her back to me. I feel so down tonight....I need help so bad I feel like I am going to lose it if I don't find something to help me soon. I can't keep pushing this down and trying not to feel these emotions they are overwhelming me so bad right now.
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