For the past couple days I have been teetering on the edge of insanity. I have NOT left my house in a week today. I mean I have not gotten out of my PJ's and went three days straight with no shower. I am sinking slow into my own hell. Today I have spent most of the day just crying at a drop of a dime. It got really bad while watching DR. Phil. ( anyone see it today)? In my eyes my mother was perfect. This women on the show hated her mom, and ripped her apart.... awww it killed me. At the end of the show in said "In Loving Memory of "..... some guy.... But seeing those words started my spiral downward. I have been out of control. I am taking it out on my husband because I am alone here in my new town, with no friends and family, and no mother to call. All my sarrows and pain are being dispensed on him. Like a pile of shit. Now he is in bed, and I am alone and feel so bad I sent him off feeling unloved. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to handle this anymore. How can I show love when I feel so damn empty. I sit here facing my back yard, blinds open, a big bright white moon stares back at me through the window. All I can think about is calling my mom a few months before her sudden death, called to tell her to go outside and look at the moon, so big and bright. She said, I already am... Wow what a moment. I even said to her, crazy your two hours away and we see the same thing. Just goes to show ya.... I long for that now. This very moon has been staring me down for three days straight now, and killing me every night. I wish I could just shoot it out of the sky. I am no more good. No love to give, and can't let it in. Growing more and more recluse every single day. Sun starved from staying in the house. Heartbroken from missing my mom. Mean as ever to hide the pain. Losing myself to grief, as so many of us are. I don't even know who I am anymore. Why am I here and how long do I have to stay?
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