It's been four weeks for me, I knew it was terminal for several months. Forgive my bluntness, but being "prepared" is bullshit. I also thought I was "prepared" and slowly, I realized that no amount of knowledge can "prepare" you for not having your Mom. My birthday is on Wednesday, and I'd prefer to sleep through it.

I hope this site does help you... for me, I've found great comfort in knowing that there are other people who "know".

I can so relate. I knew my Mommy was terminal for 3 years and I was her caregiver.. It was a complete shock when she passed in my arms.i know it's insane not to have been more prepared.but it just didn't ever seem real.Love to you both D

I know how you feel about the birthday issues. Wednesday will be two months since I lost my mom at the age of 56 and I spent my birthday this year missing her so much. Her birthday was the 19th and mine the 28th of March. It was so hard to get through but I made it. I just isolated myself and refused to even allow anyone to say Happy birthday. I had a hard time finding anything Happy about it. My mom died very suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack in her sleep and I still find it hard to believe b/c she had spent the entire week at my home and the day she went home was the day she died. I keep thinking if only she had stayed with me another night maybe she wouldn't have died. I don't know I just wish I could have her here with me. I miss her so much and I need her so much. She was my only real source of a support system, and I need her now more than ever.
My heart is with you and I hope you make it through ok. ~Angela

I don't think you can ever be prepared. I knew my Dad was terminal but it didn't make it any easier when he passed. My Mom was sudden and unexpected, I think the only difference is the shock of not knowing it was coming.

My mother passed away at the end of January, and 32 days later was my birthday. Believe me, I did not have it in me to celebrate it. It was also tough because my boyfriend and I have the same birthday and we had all sorts of plans with our friends to celebrate, and I just didn't have it in me.

Getting through Valentine's Day and my birthday were really hard. My mother always -- ALWAYS -- would send me a "a little something" for Valentine's Day, and she was the first person to call on my birthday. She was so excited about my birthday that if she found a present for me in October -- four months before my birthday -- she would want me to have it RIGHT THEN.

You will get through it, but no matter how much you prepare for it, you are never prepared.

I know that you may not have a good birthday this year, but hopefully knowing how happy your mother was when she gave birth to you gives you at least comfort on that day.

I'm not sure we can ever be truly prepared. We lost my Grandpa after a year of fighting cancer and I just lost my Mom suddenly on March 16 to a brain aneurysm. I've experinced loss both ways and I'm not a fan of either. It's just so difficult either way for different reasons. I just recently joined the group as well and it's been quite helpful. I hope it's the same for you.

I lost my mom just over 6 months ago...in fact, she took her last breath just 20 minutes after midnight on the day after my wedding anniversary. But, I just "celebrated" my birthday last week...and I use the word "celebrate" very loosely! My husand (who is in Iraq) and my Dad (who lives next door) both sent me flowers...and I spent the entire day locked inside my house. The only time I opened the door was to receive the flowers. I answered phone calls from family with well wishes and that was it. No cake, no special meal...nothing. I did talk to my Mom a lot that day and even cried a few times, but honestly, it wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be.

Hi Phylli ~ I am coming up on 6 weeks, and totally understand how you feel. My Mom was 68 and we had been preparing for 2-3 years. Needless to say, 2-3 weeks after, I kept saying "no one told me I was going to feel this 'sad'". I had no idea I would cry as much as I did. I realized that in those 2-3 years of preparing, planing, and then waiting ... I had NEVER gone beyond the act of dying. I was so focused on preparing my Mom for the end ... assuring her that she wouldn't "choke to death", etc., that I NEVER thought about what it would be like afterwards. As one who likes to outline everything, this "grieving" took me by surprise. And I find that never changes. At almost 6 weeks, I myself put out a new post asking if anyone else has experienced that profound sadness, and now, nothing. Almost like I've forgotten - but not really, just that I don't cry all the time. I've even had days where I've not cried at all. This scares me as much. My point to all this is that, each step has taken me by surprise.

You're right, from a "realistic" standpoint, you will get through it. Though, this year may be more difficult that those further out. It's ok to miss your Mom. From what I have been reading, that part never goes away. My suggestion to people has been, if you aren't, start journaling, AND, have your Mom write back. Have her say all those comforting things you need to hear her say. Crazy? No. We'll take peace and comfort whereever we can get it. Whenever we can get it. And, however we can get it.

Take care and remember to only look at one day at a time, or, one hour at a time - whatever works fo you. M~

I hope we are able to help you and each other through this too. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Love-Holly

Welcome to our support system. I haven't had my birthday yet but I took a pass on Easter. Refused to say Happy Easter to anyone. For the first time I didn't make baskets for my girls, even tho they're in their 20's, and sent out no cards. I gave myself the freedom to pass. Anna

It's been not quite 8 weeks for me. I was reading your profile--I too am 48 and my mother was 70. My father was 72 and died Jan. 10, 2008 as did his dog. My mother died 30 days later on Feb. 9, 2008. I too joined on a whim. We knew about my dad and grabbed the last six months with him as if it were a gift. The aftermath was so unexpected. I too just had a birthday. Oddly my brother found the card that my mother had gotten several months in advance in her kitchen. It was like the winning lottery ticket. She didn't get to sign it, but it was the best birthday card I'd ever received.

I got through my birthday, which was the day before Easter. It was not easy. My husband and I stopped for a low key lunch (not a celebration) with one of my brothers. Two beers in the afternoon helped. It was not celebratory, but the two beers achieved the first time I felt relaxed since all of the deaths. That would be my prayer for you. Get through it. Feel relaxed and perhaps some happy memories to help you get through that day.

My mother had health issues for awhile before she died. And while I lived for a long time expecting her death, I wasn't even close to being prepared. I think that's almost an impossibility.

My mother has been gone 10 weeks now and my birthday was 3 weeks after. My brother's birthday was the day after she died. He said once that he spent his birthday picking out my Mom's grave site. It's very hard to celebrate a birthday without the very person that made it possible for you to have one. My friend's planned a surprise dinner party for me and I knew about it. I called the organizer and told her I didn't want to go. I couldn't think of anything else I would rather do less than TRY to celebrate a birthday and I thought I would ruin it for everyone by crying all night. But it turned out to be good for me to be with friends. It helped me a lot -because I know I would have been worse off sitting at home alone.

P.S. I miss my Mommy too.

Welcome PhylliDr, I'm glad you had the courage to join! I know it's hard to even except, that our Mothers are not around.

Although my Mom's death was sudden, I hear no matter how much you prepare or think your prepared, the finality of it, is hard to accept.

I know birthdays are hard hun. My Mom's b-day was 3 days after she passed, and I had such plans for her. Then my birthday was just in late Feb, so I went to the beach to get away, I actually found some peace there. Do whatever you can to take care of you hun. We are here for you at DS, and it really has helped me through, especially when I didn't think I could go one. ))HUGS(( to you!

I know how you feel too. ANd I am sorry you lost your mum. My mum was 69 and she passed away 3 months ago. SHe too was qick and we knew the end was near. Four days before she died she told us she wouldnt be "here" on the weekend. That was a hard pill to swallow I can tell you! But it was awful seeing her in so much pain.

All of this does not make the loss any easier to bear. What I have found does make things easier is all of my lovelt friends I have found here at DS. THey have become like a second family to me and have been far better friends than ones living within 5 minutes of me.

I hope you to find this site helpful.
I may look for that book that you talked about. Is it worth the read?
I read a fantastic book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler called On Grief and Grieving. That book combined with DS has got me to where I am today......3 months on.

Love to you,
Samantha