My mom passed away in January.I don't know how to continue my life without her.Everything I did in life was to make her proud.She was my best friend she was my everything. On January 1st of this year she and my 10 month old brother were found in her apartment. They said if we would have got there a hour later my brother would have died along with her it was to late for my mother she had been dead for at least 2 days already my brother left to die. My sons father found them after I told him I felt like something was wrong sHe didnt show up to the photo shoot we had set up for my son, brother and nephew. I just seen her on Christmas I told her bye and I love u not knowing that would be the last time I'd ever see her. How my mother died is still unknown there are so many questions I have that will go unanswered. After all these months all the medical examiner can tell me is that she most likely died of dehydration an answer he wasnt even sure about, the week before that he told me she died of natural causes. All of this was said to me 6 months after her death I waited all that time for a bullsh** answer like that. I on the other hand believe my mother was murdered. She and my brother were found on opposite sides of the apartment her on the floor of her bedroom my brother on the doorway of the bathroom near the entrance to the apartment. thats what i dont get how did he get there my brother way born 2 and a half months premature so at 10 months old he couldnt walk let alone crawle so how did he get there. There was also a pot on the stove full of burnt food and anyone who knew my mother would know she wouldn't leave the kitchen until her food was done.There were smoked cigarettes on the floor but my mom didnt smoke in the house and why would a clean freak leave butts on the floor. These are all thing thats the police say has nothing to do with her passing .So I focused on my brother and him getting out the hospital. The whole family visted him that night the night that was the hardest day in my life. I was the 1st at the hospital. All I can remember is seeing my two younger sisters and telling them that that my aunt wasnt lying my mom was dead.No one had the gutz to tell my grandmother she thought my mom was in the next emergency room a live so of course I had to tell her too. Everyone was crying at first of course I didnt let go of my sisters I'm the oldest of the 4.In my head I thought was how could god put all this on me a 23 year old. I dont think I have cried the way I been wanting to. Trying to stay strong for my whole family. The next day my aunts were asking me about funeral arrangements as if it were all up to me they help a little but just so that they could say they did something. I didnt get it it was as they didnt even care about how I felt.They just argued like alwayz.Which shouldnt have surprised me because they did the same when my aunt died in 94.My mom was the youngest of 8 girls. Yet she was nothing like them I guess thats why I feel so alone. She never judged always listened and gave u advice and she would never say "I told you so".I let them know I was going to cremate her thats what she said she wanted when she died I decided not to have a viewing I didnt want to remember her that way. I wanted to remember her smiling telling me "I love u Momma" as I got in my car that Christmas night.She also told me once she would never want any kind of events when she died she didnt want fake people and people she hasnt seen in years crying over. I did have a mermorial service though after all of my aunts pushed for it . I didnt speak because it was as she said it would be fake everyone acting fake sure there were tears but some were so unreal.Two month after her death her downstairs neighbor called and said she had something to tell us the 29 th of december she heard my mom argueing with a man screaming for him to leave and why is he in her house.She said she went up after she got out the shower and there was no answer which she found weird because my brothers stroller was still in the hallway. I was so pissed because this is something she should of said before. I called the detective on her case and he said there was nothing he could do.So now I'm without an answer and without the mother I never knew I need so much till she was gone. Sometimes I find myself dazed in the middle of doing something I miss her so much I dont know what to do with myself. Everyone just went on with there lives as if nothing happen my sisters are doing there own thing and I feel like no one understands how I feel. I am goin on with my life but it still feels like its all an outer body experience like I just feel numb
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