Needed to come here - but sadly, don't know if it will even help anymore. I'm breaking, dear friends - I'm finally breaking down. And I don't think it's even my mother's upcoming anniversary. I think it's my life as it has evolved during the past year. I need help (losing partial eyesight and therefore independence which affects work ability - and financial) and to get some of that help I must do things I don't agree with - and I KNOW my mother would be furious with me now...I'm in a very bad position emotionally and otherwise. Everyone has advice - all good - but they're not in my shoes. And the guilt over decisions about both my parents' deaths - which had finally eased a bit - has returned with a fury. I actually reached a point where I said I didn't want to live anymore (no - I'm not suicidal), but I know that thinking is wrong but aside for God's reasons for keeping me here - ????. Everyone has an answer - so, I don't dare tell anyone. Bereavement groups aren't the answer anymore either. I'm feeling more lost each day, and my decisions are a mess, as am I. It's a dishonor to my mother after the way she raised me. And still no sign - not a moment when I thought Mama was reaching out from the other side to me. Last night, for the first time - I was "angry" with her - not for dying - but for not trying to reach out to me when I really need her - as I know would be her way. She wouldn't leave me this way. Where is she? And why won't she reach out to me? Something. Some small sign that can't be confused with coincidence but proof that she's worried about me - and reaching out to me to give some strength. I'm nobody special - and not asking for more than anyone else - but I know my mother - and she wouldn't leave me like this - Is she angry with me? Where is she? What will happen to me?
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