Hello,

So has your mum left the family and had no contact?

I am not sure how you would handle this. If that is the case, can you seek her out and see if you can repair and rebuild your relationship?

Please let us know how you go,

Sam
xoxoxo

Although we all have different relationships, in my experience grief involves feelings of abandonment. I deal with that aspect of it even though my mom and I were close. It will fade with time but that feeling can be so painful. If your angry about it, let it out. Or sad or whatever. Like Sam I'm not sure I totally understand but I wish you the very best.

Hi Sam and Nancy, I apologize for not being so clear. Let me give just a brief background. Well, as I mentioned my parents divorced a few years back. Hi, you can call me opentolife. I am in my twenties and I am currently in school working towards my doctorate and the more I go on, the more this topic of forgiveness seems to be an ever existent fixture in my life. You can say my troubles started about three and a half years ago when my mom and dad got a very messy divorce after being married for twenty five years. You see I always knew that they would divorce eventually because they were no longer in love and my mom was absolutely miserable and she always made that very apparent. My dad was no angel either, he was pretty unhappy as well. But I guess when my mom actually filed for the divorce, and was seeing another man, took everything and left without contacting my brother and I for six months I began to become very resentful. To make a very long story short fast forward to now and it has been almost two years that I have not spoke to her because the last time we spoke she said some pretty nasty things to me. I want so badly to say that I have forgiven her but I know that I still am very angry about the events that transpired and the way she left. I went to a conference the other day and the topic of forgive came up again and it ignited something within me and I called my mom a few days after. She said she was so happy that I finally called her and I insisted that she allow me to tell her what I was feeling. My thoughts and fears and all that I had bottled up for two years came pouring out and I paused for a second to compose myself and she says to me â??Are you done?â?? Instantly I closed up like a clam and I told her that I had to go and quickly got off the phone. That was three weeks ago and I feel like a puppy that has been abused and keeps going back to its owner in hopes that I will be greeted with love and not a kick. I know this is a lot to take in. You must know that I truly appreciate that the two of you took the time to respond to me.

Hi there,
Thanks for clarifying your situation.

Do you think your mum's reaction to you opening up was just a knee jerk reaction? Surely she knows that you would have lots of stuff bottled up and it is all not going to come out and be rectified over night.

This will all take time and patience. So I guess you need to work out the best way to tackle this. Do you contact your mum again and say that you have lots and lots of things you would like to get out in the open and ask for her to listen? Is your relationship worth repairing?

Only you know the answer to that.

it is human nature that your Mum is going to be defensive. She will most likely be carrying a lot of guilt for leaving you and your brother and that may be the way she is handling things.

Please keep us informed with your progress.

kind regards and lots of love and hugs
Sam

I think something Sam said is key here... is your relationship with your mom worth repairing? You are the only one who knows that, and going with that you will need to decide how much you are willing to "be kicked" before the love can be felt. Unfortunately, guilt makes us sometimes do just the opposite of what we should do, like making the statement your mom made, instead of saying "I'm so very sorry I hurt you like that."

She probably is very sorry she abandoned you for that time and just doesn't know how to express it. Or she may just feel that she needed that time to herself and was hoping you would be understanding of it. Sometimes mom's can forget that no matter how old their children are, they are still the children and they expect moms to be there for them.

There are some moms that are simply too selfish to put their children's needs before their own ever. I have no way of knowing if your mom falls into that category.

No one knows why she reacted as she did, but I would give her a bit of time to collect herself and then maybe try again if you feel up to it.

I know this cannot be easy for you, but please do keep us informed of how you're doing.

Much love and hugs to you,
Carol

I and my sister are dealing with a similar issue regarding my brother. Long story short, I stayed with him for two years for financial reasons. He was horrible to me, verbally abused me, accused me of not wanting a job(not true). While there my mom died. On the day of her service he started a fight over money - who would pay what. My sister and I were hysterical. I moved out last August and haven't spoken to him since. I am working on fortgiving him, but he treated my sister,mother and I so badly almost from the moment he got married years ago. I think you can forgive but also not want a relationship with a person who thinks they did nothing wrong. It would be self destructive for me to try to have a relationship with him - he hasnt changed, never apologized. So I pray for him but want nothing to do with him. Let me know how you are doing. Big Hugs, Nancy

Hi, Nancy thank you for your post. You see I know exactly what that feels like because that is the way that I feel. I think perhaps I should move on from the situation because I must in order to be mentally and emotionally ok, but I am not so sure about the whole forgiveness part. I feel that religion teaches us that we MUST forgive in order to be forgiven but the thing is while I do have a relationship with God, I also feel as if certain things can not be forgiven. For example, the Holocaust and slavery, those are two terrible events that took place in history and I believe that they are unforgivable. Thatâ??s the way I feel about my mom. On the same note I still think it is essential that I must learn from it and move on. The problem is my lacking a relationship with her feels like I am missing a huge chunck of my heart. The space my mom once occupied is now vacant. I just wonder if that will ever be filled. And if not will I be ok with not having her in my life.