The other day it had suddenly occured to me that I had developed a strange habbit. Caller ID on my house phone is like a phonebook for me. I never erase a number I think I might need later on. Every time I check my caller I.D after being away from home I can't stop myself from running through the numbers until I come to one I will never see again. The last time my mother called me was on Feb 12 2008. She was in the hospital still, planning on moving into a nursing home until she could regain her strength enough to come home. Her health had been rappidly failing but at that point it had still never occured to me that she might die. Every morning before leaving for work I would call her to chat and see how she was feeling. When I called her that morning the nurse answered the cell phone and told me she was in the bathroom and would call me back. Well when she called back at 11:02 a.m., it was my turn to be in the bathroom taking a shower. She left a message on my voicemail, I erased it. We finally got a hold of eachother that morning but it would be one of the last times we spoke at any length. She sounded week but better then she had been. Thinking back it is hard for me to believe how fast it all came to an end. She died 8 days later. So many things I wish I had gotten to say. I can't bare to erase that number from my caller ID. And every day I look at it and think about her and how bad I wish she could just pick up the phone and call me. I imagine that one day I will have the strength to erase it, but until then I make sure it stays put. I won't even let my 2 year old touch the phone for fear she will accidently erase it. I'm not sure this is healthy but for now I just let it be.
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