Yesterday my brother married the girl he has been with for eight years. It was a terribly long day. I am so emotionaly exhausted right now I can barely function. I knew this day would be hard but I had no idea it would be this hard. Everywhere I looked it seemed my mother should have been standing there. Beside my father in the church with tears in her eyes, watching her oldest child say his vows. On the dance floor at the reception, she loved to dance and was good at it. She just should have been there. For the past two weeks I was dreading this day, starting to feel the preasure of having to stand up with the bridesmaids and feel less then happy. I was trying to find a way out, trying to work myself into a sickness or something. Finally by Friday night I just let it go. I won't say I was calm, juggling between being a bridesmaid and a mother of two very young children is very stressful, but that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach went away and by the time I had to walk down the aisle I was feeling a kind of numbness. So yesterday we all sucked in a great big breath and smiled for the cameras, all the while I'm sure we were thinking the same thing, "I wish mom was here." There we stood on that alter, both my brothers and I fighting back two kinds of tears. Happy tears and heartbroken tears. There my father sat alone in the front pew. I watched him fight back those tears so hard I thought for a moment he was having a seizure (he had one once last year at my house and it tramatized me.) I almost lept off the alter and ran to him but waited to make sure he wasn't. He left after the ceromony, pretty sure he didn't even take any picures, I think he just needed to be alone. Me on the other hand took a few swigs of liquour from the groomsmens flasks and took out my emotions on a pair of sunglasses I chucked at the ground. I don't know why anger swept over me the way it did when it was all said and done but I was angry. Angry that she wasn't there, angry that half those people didn't know her and wasn't thinking about her the way we all were. I don't know. My daughter and I wore pink ribbons on our dresses, I wish I had suggested that the entire party were the pink ribbons, with the exception of the bride and groom, that way everyone would know and she would be honered like she should be. I am just glad this whole thing is over. Next big obsticle will be my younger brother leaving for the navy next month. What a year this has been.
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