Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

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when no one says anything

deleted_user
deleted_user
Just got back from trip to see my parents for Thanksgiving. First time I've seen them since m/c.

No one said anything. I mean literally ANYTHING. My husband actually talked to my mom about this midway through our visit. She basically admitted that she had no idea what to say. My husband (who has been awesome, by the way) said how about "I'm so sorry for your loss" followed by asking me how I was doing in relation to it. etc. Pretty basic, intuitive stuff, I thought. Why can't people figure this out?

Still, neither of my folks still said anything. I don't know if they're afraid of saying the wrong thing (too late for that one, by the way) or just of me creating a scene (I'm a crier - always have been). Or something else.

I don't know what to do. When I told my mom about it initially, the conversation left me feeling worse than before (one of the first things she said was "what is your plan for getting over this?" - and this was on the day I found out the bad news). And I know from past struggles that my parents have very little tolerance for me not coping quickly with problems (her response to my eating disorder problems in college was literally "snap out of it"). Still, it's kind of hanging there in the air, between us.

Sorry this is so long and griping. But this is really bugging me. I don't have a lot of people to talk to, but I just don't have the emotional energy to try to walk my parents through this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel. My parents didn't even come to the hospital to see their Granddaughter. They live 25 mins. away. Then they never said anything...at least not for a long time. Till I brought it up. I have had to talk to my parents about Kaitlyn and all my feelings around it over and over again. I think they just don't know what to do. And remember you are THEIR daughter and they don't want to see you hurting, so maybe they think they are helping by waiting for you to talk when you are ready?! I hope this helps...hang in there!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Alot of people, especially someone close to you might be trying to protect you by not bringing it up. I found it easier to bring the topic up so they knew I wanted to talk about it. Then again for some people it is their way of dealing with problems it is hard to tell
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thats just the way people are. People can be close-minded. If it hasn't happened to them, they don't know what to say. They think its gonna hurt you too much or you'll get upset. When in reality you need someone to talk to. You just need to talk and cry and grieve. I know its hard. Your family will figure it out eventually. Tell them you want to talk. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. I may be 14 but my mom has had 6 miscarriges and my brother was stillborn.
ReginaPhalange
ReginaPhalange
My mum's favourite is, well there must have been something wrong with baby.

Never I'm sorry or anything like that, just the assumption that something was wrong therefore I would be better off without
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know from my parents upbringing, they were not taught what to tactfully say or do if their own daughter had a m/c or stillbirth. Its just easy for them to say nothing at all and/or say the wrong thing-- making me feel worse.

After I lost Allison, I never heard from my parents Im sorry for your loss, because to them saying that is so foreign to them. Youre not alone. I know how it feels. I went through that and Im still going through that matter of fact.
I'm sorry for your loss. You'll get through this. Like everything else, it will take time. Hugs, Jocelyn
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel. So many people have avoided the topic with me. At one point I was even scolded by someone for mentioning it in front of my children Hello- my daughter is buried next to our house, she has a grave with a tombstone- my kids know what happened. It's almost like I have been made to feel as though this is something I should hide or be ashamed of. I love my little angel and I want her to be remembered not for people to be afraid to ask about her. It's a possibility that your parents don't want to hurt you by bringing it up. They don't realize that a lot of times it hurts worse to not talk about it. Good luck dealing with the situation. I can relate and I'm here if you need to talk.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel. the day I was in the hospital my mom and my dad came up but alls my father said was "I love you" then he left. I think maybe it is hard for parents who haven't lost a child because they love you so much they don't want to see you in that sort of pain that they have never delt with
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm sorry for you. My Mum tried to push me to get over my first MC. This after she always seemed so great with greiving people. I think she was frightened for me. Also she had a MC once and her way of coping was to just put it behind her. Soe people just say the wrong things. I try to stick to the people that are kind.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The only person who talk to me openly about my baby loss is my mom. She had a m/c at an early stage, she didn't even know she was pregnant, but she knows what I've been through. I've reached the conclusion that my family isn't talking to much about it trying to protect me, and I'm ok with that. They love me and don't want me to suffer. Or maybe they just don't know how to handle it since they haven't gone though anything like that.
deleted_user
deleted_user
First, I am sorry for your loss. We have a few things in common. I too had an eating disorder as a teenager/early 20's. And I have a 3 yr old now. IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE YOUR PARENTS CAN NOT DEAL W/ PAINFUL EMOTION. I DONT THINK THEY KNOW HOW! (the eating disorder and their reaction---or lack of it---to this m/c really is a HUGE clue). I dont think they mean to be like this----its how THEY are---and I dont think they know how to be different. I dont think they are trying to hurt you.
CRY all you need too! ALWAYS 'let it out" dont bottle up your feelings. (I hope I didnt say the wrong thing....i just can relate a little!)
deleted_user
deleted_user
one more thing---it sounds like you found a great husband who is very supportive and understanding----so---just rely on him and all the other people who are more sensitive to your feelings!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel what you're talking about. My fiancee just died and I had a miscarriage at tlhe same time. Its weird because its like everyone knows what happened but noone knows what to say. except the usual keep your head and its going to be okay. My thing is i want to ask how? My world feel like its over. You know like the video game where it says game over at the end. I know that life has to go on but I feel like im being selfish "enjoying" life and the two people that are dearest to my heart are gone never to return. What do you say? what can you say? So its like we talk about everyhting else and not that which is really hard because i'm very talkatiive. I hope i didnt depress you i just want to let you know that i feel your pain its like stop ignoring my pain and talk to me about it. That's really what led me to this chat room because noone close to me would talk. So if you need to talk feel free.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm sorry your mom is acting like that. when i told my mil about my m/c she just said 'ok' and rushed me off the phone. i just have to keep telling myself that i'm the only person i can control and not let what she says (or doesn't say) bother me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know the first days after my daughter's still birth, my family was very much there to listen and to talk if I need them. I too also have an amazing husband who has been there the whole time and listens to me and talks about everything whenever I need him to. As for mostly the rest of my family they kind of got quiet after that first week, and now when I mention my daughter they get quite, making it an almost uncomfortable situation. I want to be able to talk about my daughter, just because she past away and don't want to let go and just keep to myself about her. I want to acknowledge her she still is my daughter and I will always love her. I can't give you much advice because I'm kind of trying to figure out this similar situation myself. But just to let you know that you are not alone, and while your parents aren't being so sensitive at this time, it sounds like you a loving husband who is completely behind you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i know i think one of my friends first things they said to me was fancy coming out for a drink on sat night i mean hello lossing my baby here! i havent heard from anyone at all this week which is gutting, my sister was down this weekend which was nice but the taboo subject was not mentioned once even when i was layed on the floor with tummy cramps, i just think they really dont know what to say, my hisband wont even talk about it!
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