Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

998 Members
12,894 Posts
0 Online
Women's Health
/ Miscarriage Support Group

What if I hadn't miscarried?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I officially lost my baby on 4th Oct this year and the pain is till with me. It annoys me so much when people say it was probably for the best! And yet in hindsight I know that they are right..

Let me tell you my friend's story.
My friend had a perfect little boy a few years ago. Then she decided it was time for baby number two. All was well, she did everything by the book and I always admired her because I was pregnant at the same time and had the occasional glass of wine when she didn't...She gave birth a few weeks after me and I was looking forward to seeing our little girls play together. Except it never happened. Her little girl was born blind and paraplegic. Doctors said there was nothing they could do or could have done. The various scans and blood tests she had taken while pregnant had shown nothing wrong with the baby. And then they told her it was amazing her baby had made it to the birth at all... It was as if she had failed to miscarry a baby that should never have been born. Her little girl died a few months ago after three years of operations and regular stays in hospital. Her lungs just gave up. She never had a chance to understand the world around her or to even know her parents or her brother. The specialists said she had so little brain activity that it was a miracle she even survived so long...
Now, would my friend ever say she wished her little girl had not been born? Off course not. She loved her and will always love her the way she was. I felt a sense of relief when she died because I felt that my friend could now try to live a normal family life, which had certainly not been the case for the last three years. But I know she would feel so angry if I ever told her that. Just like what I feel when people tell me losing my baby was for the best...When I look at what happened to my friend I have to say honestly I would rather have lost my unborn baby when I did than go through what she has. Don't get me wrong, it's no consolation, but it makes it a bit easier for me to understand why people say such things...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with you Lola. When I had my miscarriage they just told me that it was my body's way of getting rid of something that wasn't quite right. I try to think of it the same way you do. It is horrible either way but to go through what your friend went through would be unbearable for me.
Zayannee
Zayannee
I can see what youre saying, of course none of us would turn our babies away if something was wrong. We would love them nomatter what. i guess it all comes down to that it is God's choice not ours and nomatter what if we do or do not have a child, if we have a "normal" baby or a child with disabilities we just have to make the best out of the cards we have been delt and trust that God has his reasons!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I definitely agree with you. I did want to add that your friend may feel a little relief, not because she can have a normal life, but because her little girl is no longer suffering. When we watch loved ones slowly die, sometimes it is easier once the process is over.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel the same way you do.No amount of money can cure a baby with defects.I would whether be poor and have a healthy baby.I believe with all my heart the babies I lost was a blessing now that I have two healthy kids.There had to be something wrong with them and God knew I am not a strong person to handle a case like this.It takes special parents to care for kids with defects and lots of patience.Which I don't have.To all the mothers out there who had a miscarriage I believe there is hope out there for each one of you.Just believe and don't give up hope.God Bless.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thank you for sharing your friends story with us. it does help put things in perspective.
lindseylu
lindseylu
I have had many people tell me the same thing that it is for the better and I just don't like the way it sounds.My grandmother who also miscarried her first pregnancy told me it is God's way of taking care of your baby and not making you or your child go through a life of suffering. I work at a pharmacy and we have a 5 year old little girl who was born with complications and it just breaks my heart whenever I see her coming in. She doesn't talk, she has tubes to feed her, she can't walk, I don't think she really knows of anything going on around her, she is just here physically. I am sorry that I lost my precious baby but I am also glad (please don't take glad the wrong way I wish I had a healthy baby) that God took my baby with Him and didn't make him or her go through a life like that. In the end we all know that we have a wonderfully precious happy angel baby with us in our hearts everyday.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This discussion really shows just how complex the situation and the emotions are.

There have been times when I feel guilty for being relieved that I miscarried rather than have a child that would suffer. Another reason I am sometimes relieved: I have another child, and I want him to have a sibling with whom he can completely share his life.

Here's the really guilty admission. I was also relieved for me and my husband. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that situation. I don't know if our marriage could.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I got angry when people said that to me as well. I have often thought about how come God would give me this baby and then just let it pass away before even getting to be born. I guess I understand what they mean, and I can see both sides of the story. It is just hard either way for me right now. I guess since I miscarried my first pregnancy and then right afterward recently lost another one. I just haven't gotten to the point of being thankful for not having an unhealthy child, althougth I would love it and take care of him/her. It would be a struggle everyday. Thanks for the thoughts and perspective.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree also. I never wanted my child to suffer. I worked in the NICU (neonatal "newborn" Intensive Care Unit) for 4.5 years and wathced and participated in heroic measures to save infants with problems that were incompatible with life. I always said that I'd let my child go, I'd withdraw support, etc and not allow my child to suffer. However, after carrying Dot I know better. I would've done like all other parents and did everything to save her. However, God knew something that I didn't and made the choice for me. We don't know what took her, but I'm glad she never had to suffer and then die. I'm glad she went in peace, in a safe, warm, secure, loving place. I'm glad I was with her when she went (whenever that was) and she didn't die alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just wanted to say one more thing. When my friend's little girl was born, another friend of mine said to me that God only gived us what we can cope with. It didn't make sense to me at the time.Then, I was amazed at how my friend and her husband dealt not only with their daily life with their little one but also with the emotional turmoil they went through. I don't think I would have been strong enough. I just wanted to say that because so many of us seem to be feeling the same and now I know that God gave me something I could cope with and there is no guilty feeling in saying that I am relieved I didn't have to go through worse.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I totally agree. When I m/c in April everyone kept saying it was for the best. I got so angry at them. I thought "THATS MY CHILD! How could you say that?" Last week I found out that I have a genetic disease which doesn't affect me too much, but it could my children. I now believe that maybe my child would have been sick and I wouldn't want him/her to suffer. So even though it breaks my heart everyday, I know it was better off this way. My child is in heaven and is not in any pain at all. Here she may have been in excrusiating pain.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You just helped me put things somewhat into perspective.......
Thank you for sharing this story...Im having a hard time at this moment understanding why people keep telling me maybe it was for the best and things happen for a reason...
Zayannee
Zayannee
I would like to add another comment. Im sure that somewhere here on DS somebody has had a child with a disability and I just want to say that if that is what I get one day I would be more than happy. Sure it would be hard but lots of things are hard and love out weighs them. I went to Church last Sunday and there is a girl there with down syndrome and there are times I look at her a truly believe she is better off than the rest of us. She is not disapointed with her life, she is perfect in her own way and she doesnt fret over the minor things that the rest of us do all the time she is happy she loves and even makes you uncomfortable because she will come up to you when youre a total stranger and just say I need a hug today, dont you wish that we all knew how to love that openly and how to love all around us... I think disabled or not she knows something that none of us do...

That being said I still agree that it is Gods choice when it comes to our miscarriage and I believe that we all make perfect babies and God had something in heaven very important from them and he just needed them sooner than we wanted, but its Gods plan not ours... okay Im done :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
both of yours storties truch my hear i misscaired two years ago, and ia m still trying to understand what went worng, now we would like to try for a baby, yet, i am so afaird to, and know in my heart will worry everyday and fear lossing another baby. and its not a matter of right or worng, its your feelings, and people are often mean and just don't undrstand your pain. and remember that your both coming to trems with the hardest lossin ypour life the loss of a child, you are morthers for life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My Doc told me once I was done miscarrying that God only give sus what we can handle and God will sometimes take the babies that are already sick.
A friend told me the other day (this helped me might not help everyone) that that Bible talks about spiritual children. These are our children in heaven, our children on earth, and those people around us that we mentor.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • irishwriter

    come unwind in the bp lounge

    Posted by: irishwriter
    Last Reply: kisses2016
    7992
    theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
  • Rizen

    Walk a Day

    Posted by: Rizen
    Last Reply: mujicaptsd
    2634
    I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...