I had to take Kenny yesterday to be recertified for WIC and while I was waiting I saw a gal with her two month old baby girl. This young lady was one of my regular customers where I used to work including me doing a birthday party for her and from that point to this every time we see each other we talk and kid around and such. At the time I went for my pap following my m/c she was getting ready to deliver her daughter; as a matter of fact she was waiting to be admitted when I was waiting to see my OB. She knew I was pregnant too and when I told her about losing Angel she hugged me and cried right along with me.

Anyway, she was sitting in the waiting room with her baby girl and I spotted the two of them. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I went over to her and her baby. Part of me wanted to ask to hold her but another part wasn't quite ready for that yet but I actually looked at this beautiful little cherub and touched her cheek and her little fingers and stroked her hair. My chest felt tight and I thought my heart was going to explode but I did it. I don't know how I did it without breaking down right then and there but I did. I didn't even cry in the bathroom or later on at home, how do you like that? It was so hard to look at that tiny little face and to touch those teeny fingers all the while I'm missing my own baby but it was a nice feeling too. I don't know if this makes any sense or not and I don't know if you ladies have felt this way too but I guess in a way I felt like maybe I'd be dishonoring or disloyal to Angel if I showed any kind of outward of affection like this, especially when I can't hold her or touch her in the same way. All I know is, that was a major leap for me, one I didn't think I could or would ever do. Maybe I'm making some progress after all!