I was just finishing nursing school, and in love. Found out I was pregnant. I was elated: the pediatric rotation of nursing school really brought out my desire to be a mother. We decided to get married. The first two ob visits went great, first sonogram was great. A few weeks later, we're married, on our honeymoon, and in the second trimester. We were on a cruise. We'd just gone to Jamaica that day. I started spotting. We went down to the ship's clinic. They couldn't find a heartbeat but didn't have the equipment to know for sure, they only had a regular stethescope. They said I was probably just having spotting from intercourse, but try to take it easy, stay in bed as much as possible. I tried to stay positive. It's probably nothing. Stayed in bed for the rest of the cruise. When we got home, my husband had to go out of town the next day, and I was scheduled to start work as an RN, my first day of orientation was the day after we got home. I wasn't spotting anymore, so I went to orientation. Around lunchtime, I knew something was wrong: I wasn't hungry, and I was spotting again. I went to my ob. She did an ultrasound and my baby's heart wasn't beating. I was alone. I was showing, I was obviously pregnant, and I thought everything was fine since we made it through the first trimester. My baby was due on my birthday, we were so excited, everything seemed right. But it wasn't. I called a friend to take me home. My husband was at a retreat in a remote area of New Mexico. Finally managed to get ahold of him. He was home in time for the day of my scheduled d&c. I went into labor the morning on my scheduled d&c. I was crying in the waiting room, having awful contractions, and no baby to look forward to.
The dr saved his body for testing, since we were in the second trimester & those losses are uncommon. She told me when I woke up that our baby was a boy. Weeks later the test results were done, and it turned out he had Trisomy 18, and he couldn't have survived past age 2. I never got to hold him. I named him Ishmael. The longing to meet him never ends. The wanting to hold him.
I have three babies now, and Ishmael my angel boy. In some ways I am only now able to start grieving him. He would've been 4 this November. I struggle with my birthday (his due date): how am I supposed to celebrate when Ishmael would've been 4? I think I'm going to light a candle for him everyday this month, or everyday, until I feel better. I just wish I could've known him.