This is the first day I'm home alone. My boyfriend had to go to work. I've had to sit with my feelings because for the rest of the world, life goes on. Naturally the calls have subsided, everyone is busy living. I wonder if going back to work is better than staying here. I also feel I really need time to grieve. I'm confused, angry and really hurting. I started the blame game today. Although I am capable of encouraging everyone on this site and say the most beautiful things to others I'm telling myself- "you weren't positive enough, you should have been healthier" etc... LOGICALLY I know this happens in early stages of pregnancy, I know the statistics, I know it's not my fault etc... But there are glimpses of the old, depressed me in self pity and blame. It makes grieving the loss worse. I have enough to handle just knowing my baby is gone but having to counter sh*tty thoughts of guilt and blame really makes this harder. I know this is all a part of the notorious "stages of grief", yet I resist and make it persist. It's a fricken vicious, painful circle. I can only pray and wait to see the sun again. "Here comes the sun" by The Beatles was the song I sang when I was pregnant and thought of my baby. It rings in my head over and over and it hurts. Should I go back to work so soon? It's only been 4 days, two technically with the 2nd half of the miscarriage happening on Sunday.
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