I was in one of moments today crying and still trying to accept the fact that Natalie is not here. Then I started thinking about her funeral, and have second thoughts of making my decision of having a closed casket. My husband and I made this choice because we did spend a lot of time with her in the hospital after her birth, but thought it would be too painful to see her at the funeral. I'm now wishing I could have seen her again and had the open casket. The funeral director said we made the right choice by keeping it closed, but all I can think of is what did she look like in the outfit we picked for her to wear, did they have her covered well in her blanket we gave them to use for her, how did she look, did they have her hands folded, and so on. I feel like I'm torturing myself over this. And it is one more thing to feel guilty about. I did get to spend time with her at the hospital and I do have pictures and a memory box. But I didn't see her that moment at the funeral, sometimes I can say I'm okay with that decision but right now I feel more that I regret that decision. I think if I would have more time to think about it, I would have chosed open casket. My husband says we made the right decision. But I just wish I could have looked at her face to face one more time, or been able to touch her again. I think no matter what I would never be satisfied, she is our child, and there is that physical and emotional attachment that will never go away. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.
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