I was 5 months at the loss of my twins in October and I have been having a very difficult time with it all, especially with holidays. I keep thinking if I could've made it this far I would have made it. I left this support group because I was so embarrased of the loss, as I was in the infertility and pregnancy groups and very actively involved. This was my first pregnancy and we went IVF. My daughter's sac ruptured and then a week later she was delivered when I went to the bathroom at home. I was in so much shock, everything seemed to be a blur for me. I had to ride to the hospital with her attached to me and she was gone. No one would cut the cord because they weren't medically authorized. They had to find the doctor after I arrived. Before I could actually get over the whole ordeal, my son was coming a few days later. There was nothing they could do to save him either because I was not quite at a week where they could use some medicine. I was able to hold him for a few minutes and he lived for what I found out later to be about two hours. It was horrible. My DH wants to try again in the future (about a year), but I am so scared of even thinking about doing it again, because it was so traumatic. I keep blaming myself, the doctors, hospital. I have been on all kinds of mental medicine and it didn't do anything, but make me suicidal, so I've since stopped. Everything that has anything to do with babies makes me cry, usually at night. I have pictures and the blankets they were in and hold that dear to my heart. They were so little and cute. I was so emabarrassed to come back to dailystrength because I guess I thought it wouldn't happen to me. We were trying so long and to finally get pregnant was so exciting, I never once thought I would lose them. I don't know...it was the most hardest thing I could be dealing with right now. I feel even guilty for greiving them as I do because I feel like I am taking some attention off of my daughter we do have already who we adopted as an infant and is now 7 yrs. old. I feel guilty for wanting other children I guess. I don't know...
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